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Attitudes are sets of beliefs, feelings, and behavioral impulses, usually outside of awareness. For example, people with an attitude of entitlement rarely articulate it but will likely justify their behavior in ways that imply it.
Knowing someone’s basic attitudes helps us predict their behavior. For instance, an attitude of entitlement predicts rude treatment of others.
Embedded in all attitudes—including those we do articulate—are:
- Autopilot coping habits
- Biased interpretations
- Tacit judgments
When Attitudes Become Dysfunctional
“We think that we make our decisions because we have good reasons to make them. Even when it’s the other way around. We believe in the reasons because we’ve already made the decision.” —Daniel Kahneman
Dysfunctional attitudes make us act against our long-term best interests. While all attitudes contain some flaw of reasoning or sin of omission, dysfunctional attitudes become stronger—and the defense of them more virulent—when the flaws are pointed out. Displaying dysfunctional attitudes naturally provokes negative responses from others, certainly those outside our self-centered and informational bubbles.
Dysfunctional attitudes are heavy in anticipation, which risks a self-fulfilling prophecy. When we regard or treat others negatively, they’re likely to respond according to our negative assumptions about them.
The Hypocrisy of Dysfunctional Attitudes
When dysfunctional attitudes seep into awareness, we typically deny them, at the cost of appearing hypocritical, if not dishonest; people with an attitude of entitlement may tend to condemn it in others. In extreme cases, we sound like political candidates accusing each other of negative campaigning.
To overcome dysfunctional attitudes, we must unpack the autopilot judgments underlying them and condition new autopilot judgments.
Unpacking Example
With a critical attitude:
- Nothing works right
- People aren’t efficient
- They don’t care enough or aren’t smart enough to get things right
- I’m smarter, more skilled, and care more than others.
To expose the flaws, consider:
- All the things that work okay
- Other people’s efficiency and commitment
- Your own inflexibility
- This attitude keeps you in a constant devalued state
Autopilot Reconditioning
“We cannot change anything unless we accept it.” —Carl Jung
The frustrating stickiness of dysfunctional attitudes is due to their primarily autopilot functioning. Once we unpack them, we must accept them to change them. For example, “I accept that I have a critical attitude—that I think I know better than most people. I accept that I have an entitled attitude—that I expect to get special treatment and high regard.”
Once we realize and accept our dysfunctional attitudes, we can practice alternative responses to replace them.
Practice:
- Accepting when things aren’t perfect
- Improving, rather than devaluing
- Showing value and respect to those whom you want to cooperate
The Golden Attitudes
The Golden Attitudes below provide a better life when we practice them.
Attitude of connection. Connection is a mental state and a choice. We choose to feel connected, and we choose to feel disconnected. In general, we like ourselves better when we choose to feel connected. The following are three types of connection:
- Intimate connection includes good friends, lovers, and family members. To thrive, intimate connections require affection, unconditional safety and security for all parties, relative freedom from resentment and hostility, and compassion whenever needed.
- Collective connection results from emotional investment in a group, where individual concerns are secondary to the group identity, mission, or beliefs. They provide important feelings of belonging and social identity.
- Transcendent connection helps us relate to something greater than the self, for example, God, morality, nature, the cosmos, or simply the vast sea of humanity.
Transcendent connection is on the decline in our times, even as rates of alcohol and substance abuse rise. To paraphrase Marx, when religion is no longer the opium of the people, opium becomes the religion of the people.
Attitude of improvement. People with the attitude of improvement assume that no matter what happens, they’ll make the best of it. They develop contingency plans when appropriate. They’re confident not that they won’t make mistakes or fail, but that when they do, they’ll recover, compensate, and eventually succeed.
Attitude of self-reward. To develop an attitude of self-reward, take a brief moment at the completion of each task, no matter how trivial, to acknowledge your success. A few seconds of self-reward reduces stress without slowing down overall performance.
Attitude of appreciation. This may be the most golden of the golden attitudes, in terms of well-being. Develop a habit of appreciating small things about people, nature, creative works, crafts, or ideas. Your world will become brighter and more interesting.
