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Talking about visiting sex clubs is frowned upon in society. Some gay men enjoy visiting gay sex clubs on a regular basis, and that regularity is often seen as negative by society and loaded with moral judgments. As a psychotherapist working with many gay men, I have noticed that many of them report increased well-being as a result of visiting sexualised spaces. Within the societal noise of moral judgment, it is difficult to hear nuance in those conversations, but it is important not to shame gay men whose lives do not fit in with societal expectations.
What are gay sex clubs?
Gay sex clubs are adult-only, men-only sexualised spaces. An increasing number of “men-only” establishments include “all men,” which means that trans men are welcome. too.
Most gay sex clubs offer different options for sexual and erotic connections; for example, booths for one-to-one (or three) people wanting to have sex in private, and more open spaces for people who enjoy group sex and/or enjoy “public” sex (i.e., being watched or watching). Some gay sex clubs have special nights such as “Naked Only” nights (also called “Boots Only”), and some sex clubs specialise in kink, catering to the diverse kinky community with stricter dress codes (leather, Lycra, and sports gear, for example). Some sexualised places can be “wet” ones, also called gay saunas, offering a pool, sauna, and steam rooms; the dress code is usually naked with a towel around the waist. Gay sex clubs also provide condoms and lube for free. Most establishments have a no-drug policy (other than poppers).
How can visiting gay sex clubs be good for gay men?
In my therapeutic work with gay men, I have observed several benefits for gay, bisexual, queer men and men who have sex with men visiting gay sex clubs that enhance their well-being:
- Countering minority stress
- Having an antidote to shame and societal discrimination
- Embracing sex-positivity, body-positivity, and age-positivity
- Having a sense of meaningful belonging
- Connecting to expansive love and queer spirituality
It may sound surprising, as it is not the narrative we often hear on this topic because not many people talk about it openly for fear of being judged or shamed. In my privilege of being a psychotherapist and providing a private, confidential, and sex-positive space where gay men can feel comfortable talking honestly about their own sexual, erotic, intimate, and social experiences, I have heard many stories of enhanced well-being as a result of visiting sex clubs. Let’s look at the benefits in more detail.
Countering minority stress. Minority stress is the chronic, cumulative stress experienced by marginalised people in society. Gay men (and other minorities) experience minority stress on a regular basis, experiencing prejudice and discrimination just for being who they are.
In my consulting room, many gay men tell me that visiting gay sex clubs is a significant buffer against minority stress because those sexualised spaces tend to be non-judgmental and up for intimate connections, whereas it is for a chat or physical contact. It is a space where gay men feel they can just be themselves, without editing themselves to make others comfortable, and without any fear of discrimination. They can also engage with others as much or as little as they wish. Many gay men report those spaces as being safe spaces away from the rest of the difficult world out there.
Having an antidote to shame and societal discrimination. Gay men’s sex clubs can provide a safe space for a meaningful connection with one’s sexuality, affirming their sexual desires and turn-ons without shame. Some gay men experience it as a form of existential freedom, where they connect in the here-and-now with their mind-body connection in feeling alive and connecting with other sex-positive gay men in that space, enhancing a sense of legitimacy and belonging. It can be an essential component to counter social discrimination such as homophobia, heteronormativity, and mononormativity.
Embracing sex-positivity, body-positivity, and age-positivity. The mainstream gay men’s scene can be harsh too, because it promotes a high standard of beauty and status; it can be body-shaming and ageist. Many gay men struggle with their body image or with aging because of those high standards.
Visiting gay sex clubs can help soothe those struggles because most people tend to be accepting of each other, and it can be a welcoming, safe place for all gay men to feel “good enough” regardless of their body shape, age, penis size, status, or kink. Of course, it doesn’t mean that all gay men in the sex club would want to have sex with each other. There is a strong emphasis on consent in gay sex clubs that is expressed not only through words but also through eye contact, facial expression, and body language. In a gay sex club, saying “no” to someone’s touch is usually done with respect and without shame.
Having a sense of meaningful belonging. As mentioned above, gay men don’t go to sex clubs only for sex; for some, it can be a place of social connection in an environment that is non-judgmental, unlike the mainstream gay scene and the heteronormative society. The social connections in those sexualised spaces can be affirming of queer sexualities, where people can be free to just be themselves. For example, it could be just having a drink at the bar naked, chatting to another naked man. For many gay men, these are the only spaces where they don’t feel societal oppression. Gay sex clubs are often described as honest spaces that are unapologetically queer with sexual and erotic freedom. They can be valuable spaces to relax and make honest and meaningful connections, even if it is just for one night. This fosters a genuine sense of belonging that is essential for well-being.
Connecting to expansive love and queer spirituality. For some gay men, visiting gay sex clubs is associated with an expansive definition of love and “queer spirituality.” In the heteronormative and mononormative constructs, we are taught that love exists within a romantic relationship. But in queer spaces, love goes beyond that. Love can mean loving multiple people at once. Love can occur through a brief sexual encounter in a sex club as part of loving themselves, their communities, and sexualities. For some gay men, expansive love is being in touch with their queer spirituality. Being naked and/or in sexual spaces with each other can feel highly spiritual, plugging in to their queer energy, affirming their sexuality and their existence as part of nature. It can be a great source of healing and well-being.
Gay sex clubs can be the perfect spaces to create and maintain queer joy, queer spirituality, expansive love, and genuine belonging. Gay sex clubs are not the sordid, sleazy, dark places for sad old gay men that some people assume them to be. They can be spaces where sex is celebrated, not shamed, and a place that can feel sacred in its honesty of sexual and erotic diversity and community celebrations.
