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One psychological process is running the show in people’s lives more than most therapists realize. After decades of working with children, teens, and adults, I have come to believe that overthinking is one of the most underestimated forces of human suffering. Not because it is common, but because it is transdiagnostic. That is psychologist-speak for a mental habit that cuts across several psychological disorders rather than belonging to just one.
If you have ever wondered why therapy often helps with one issue only to have another one surface, this may be why. What I am saying is that overthinking is a shape-shifter. It doesn’t always look like overthinking—it looks like your problem.
Let’s now take a look at the three darkest disguises of overthinking.
1. Anxiety
Anxiety says things like, “What if something bad happens?” or “What if I am making a mistake?” That can feel like caution or even preparation, but underneath it is your mind running (looping, actually) through worst-case scenarios. This process is really about searching for the certainty that never arrives. Said another way, the more you try to think of yourself to safety, the less safe you feel. Instead of protecting anxious people, it feeds their fear. A client I’ll call Sara, a 34-year-old information technology team lead, spent hours each night rehearsing what could go wrong the next day. She erroneously believed this would make her more prepared. In reality, it left her feeling drained and impatient, and convinced her workplace was more dysfunctional than it actually was.
2. Depression
Depression says, “Why did this happen to me?” It feels like a reflection, as if “processing the past” can lead to deeper understanding for the future. But incessant rumination is a form of overthinking that is particularly emotionally disruptive. The depressed mind rehashes and replays past hurts and disappointments without any constructive problem-solving to release oneself from the past. In this case, more thinking does not create valuable insight; rather, it deepens the rut and creates a dark hole that takes a huge emotional toll.
This was exemplified by a client I will refer to as Scott. He came to see me months after his divorce and was stuck replaying painful past conversations, arguments, and disappointments. Scott’s mantra is, “I just need to understand what went wrong.” But in his case, he became so mired in overthinking that he could not truly understand what led to the demise of his marriage. He was stuck in overthinking.
3. Failure To Launch
It really bothers me how often failure to launch is misread as “laziness” or “lack of motivation”. I have worked with many adult children with “failure to launch,” and the common denominator I have seen is overthinking. In fact, when I was reflecting on my experience of writing Freeing Your Child From Overthinking, I saw with striking clarity that the adult children who can’t move forward are often consumed by questions such as: “What if I can’t make it in the real world?” or “What if I choose the wrong path?”
In this case, overthinking wears the mask of deliberation, but in reality, it steals months or even years of the lives of struggling adult children. A client I will refer to as Mike had a college degree and a supportive family. He also had 23 browser tabs open on his laptop, filled with companies and jobs he had been “researching” for the past two years. He was emotionally paralyzed by the quest for certainty that overthinking will not deliver.
The Cruel Irony—and the Way Out
Overthinking starts as a solution by driving us to more analysis, more replying, and more rehearsing. Yet it delivers the opposite of what it promises. The real problem is not your thoughts but rather the relationship you have with them. When you stop treating every thought as a crisis to fear, you feel liberated. That’s because you begin to tolerate uncertainty and move forward even though whatever you’re striving for may not feel perfect. Anxiety, depression, and emotional paralysis don’t need separate fixes because they have one transdiagnostic engine. And, you can cut off the fuel source.
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