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Many people on their family building journey are making some of the most significant decisions of their lives while living with stress and enourmous pressure. The Zoom Out Theory was created to help people take a step back from this stress so they can approach these important decisions with greater clarity and make the more informed decisions that their future self will feel grateful for.
Underlying this theory is something most of us have experienced. Stress narrows our field of vision, and we often don’t even realize it.
You have probably had moments when you were nervous and said something embarrassing, snapped when you shouldn’t have, or made yourself small so others could have center stage. Much of how we feel affects how we react and the decisions we make.
How Attention Shifts Under Stress
Most of us know that when our bodies feel threatened, our attention narrows to whatever seems like the immediate danger. Thousands of years ago, that might have been a lion. Today, your nervous system can’t tell the difference between a lion and the threat of “I might never have a family” or “What if I make the wrong decision about a donor, an agency, or a surrogate?” Our bodies often react very quickly so we can get away from that lion and get to safety.
If we can understand this, then we can also appreciate that when a high-pressure decision is in front of us, our reaction may be influenced by that same stress response. And like the example with the lion, our bodies are designed to move quickly and then rest. The problem is that family building with fertility treatment is not a sprint, it is a marathon, and when we are continually feeling like the threat (i.e. waiting for a test result, choosing a donor or a surrogacy agency or meeting with your doctor) is nearby, stress grows, cortisol increases and we can become more anxious, depleted, and even more vulnerable to making decisions that will bring us relief or comfort.
In this moment of stress, fatigue and perhaps even tension with the people we love, choosing a donor who we “like”, selecting a doctor who is “nice”, or using an agency with good reviews may be the most comforting way to make these decisions. We all do this sometimes, but if you want to move the needle for your future self, it helps to not let comfort be the only thing steering the wheel.
Comfort is important. It is natural to want a good journey, a donor whose personality you admire, or a surrogate who lives nearby, but there are other ways to make these choices, such as ensuring psychological testing is completed, your clinics lab has good statistics, or your agency has with experience with cases like yours. Once you consider the long term implications for all of your choices, you may find that your initial desire is nice but perhaps not the most important issue in your decision.
Take A Step Back to Identify What Matters Most
1. Regulate
Begin with any practice that helps your body feel more settled. This can be meditation, yoga, breathwork, or another grounding tool. When you’re done, pause and notice:
- Do I feel even slightly calmer?
- Is my breathing a little easier?
You may have been stressed for so long that you may not even think you are stressed, but often after a few minutes of deep relaxation you can feel a shift. If not, repeat or try a different approach until you feel at least a small difference in how your body feels. Only then, move on.
2. Reflect
When you’re feeling calmer, ask yourself:
When I picture my ideal life (perhaps 1-3 years from now), what do I see?
Close your eyes for five minutes and imagine it in detail. Then write about:
- What you are wearing and how you feel in your body?
- Who is important to you and present in your life?
- Where you are living?
- Who you spend your days and weekends with?
3. Identify what matters most
When you have this picture in your mind, what are the three most important things about your life?
For example, you may say:
- “I’m parenting in a way that feels aligned with my values.”
- “I’ve chosen a donor who gives my child the best possible physical and psychological health.”
- “I’m managing my relationships well.”
- “I’m taking care of my physical and mental health, so I have the energy to reach my goals.”
4. Identify what needs to be true to make this possible
For example:
- Good physical or emotional health
- New perspectives
- Financial stability
- Education about specific treatments or new paths forward
- A partner or strong support system
- A different job or schedule
- Parenting support
- Therapy, community, or emotional support
5. Sort your list
Go through what you have written and mark each item one of three ways:
- Make an X through the items over which you have no control.
- Circle the things over which you have some control.
- Make a heart around the things over which you have full control.
6. Reflect on where your energy goes
Look back at the items marked with an X. How much time, energy, and worry have you devoted to these in the past year? How has that affected you and your relationships?
You don’t have to change everything. Simply noticing where your energy goes is a powerful first step.
7. Choose your next steps
Now focus on the circled and hearted items.
- The circled items are places for gentle experimentation and collaboration.
- Let the hearted items be your primary focus for daily and weekly effort.
8. Make it stick
- Add both sets of items to your calendar as repeating reminders.
- Keep the list somewhere visible.
- Share it with a trusted friend, partner, or therapist.
The goal is to keep reminding yourself of not just to what your stressed mind is trying to cope with, but to what your calmer self knows matters most.
Over time, some circled items may earn an X. That is not failure. It’s often a sign that you are taking deeper care of yourself and your future family.
