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As Mother’s Day approaches, the weight of having a parent with serious mental illness (SMI) often becomes more salient for many individuals. Serious mental illness is defined by disorders that may be particularly impairing, such as schizophrenia-spectrum disorders, bipolar disorder, treatment-resistant depression, substance use disorders, and borderline personality disorder (BPD), to name some common examples. Holidays may be particularly painful, whether you are in touch with your loved one or maintaining distance to protect your mental health. Know that you are not alone in this experience, as I have supported numerous patients in a similar situation, whether it is with a sibling, child, or parent.
The chronic and acute stress of supporting a loved one with SMI can take a toll. It introduces a unique sort of burnout in that it requires hypervigilance to when the next shoe will drop; it is terrifying when that shoe falls to extremely dark places. The reality is, your loved ones who struggle with SMI are more likely to experience many hardships such as substance use disorders, homelessness, and major health concerns.
Unfortunately, navigating these relationships can also lead to isolation because it often requires grieving loved ones who are still present physically, but not always mentally. It is easier to explain a physical affliction to others, but the costs of a serious mental illness often confound those who have not had to personally confront it. Friends may want to help by getting into problem-solving mode, but so many of you simply want to feel seen and heard because these problems are seldom solvable.
So how do you take care of yourself given the myriad stressors that come with supporting a loved one experiencing SMI? Here are a few concrete suggestions.
- Make space for pain, whether it is anxiety, sadness, grief etc. Trying to control or judge your emotions often backfires and may even exacerbate them.
- Listen to your body. That may mean using grounding techniques to soothe your body with sensory strategies (e.g. engaging in positive sights, sounds, and smells) because your body registers stress even when your brain does not right away.
- Practice compassion for oneself and others. Compassion is often the antidote to pain. I highly recommend Kristin Neff’s book, Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself.
- Set boundaries with your loved one and other folks in your life. It can be an intuitive process to decide when you need to take a step back from others. It is important to remember that boundaries are not set in stone. They can be fluid and change as dynamics evolve in relationships.
