Parent and Adult Child Emotional Cage Fights

Reading about the recent cage fights on the South Lawn of the White House, I was reminded of the emotional violence that can happen between parents and adult children when pain begets pain and relationships are changed forever.

Jenna, whose beloved father committed suicide when she was 12 years old, has carried grief and fury all these years. Her fury is aimed at her mother, who scrambled to get a job to support the family after her husband’s death. Since then, Jenna has picked fights with her mother over things both minor and major. Her animosity culminated in a screaming match recently as she blamed her mother for all the difficulties of her life, both past and present, and finished her tirade off with, “And you’re the reason Daddy killed himself!”

“That took my breath away,” Jenna’s mother Amy told me recently. “My husband was bipolar and refused to take his medications. It was hard living with him and even harder to lose him in that way. I did the best I could at the time. Her words hurt me deeply. I’m her mother. I’ll love her forever. But I don’t know if I can ever like or trust her again.”

Examples of Emotional Cage Fights in Families

I’ve seen a variety of emotional cage fights in therapy sessions. These are situations where one or both people express unfiltered rage, saying words that can’t be unsaid or unheard.

There was the father who screamed at his accomplished, professionally successful daughter that she was “the worst disappointment of my life, a real loser…” because she was no longer attending Catholic Sunday Mass and, instead, was going to an Episcopalian church with an activist female pastor whom she liked and admired.

There was the mother who so disapproved of her 30-year-old son living with his girlfriend that she told him in a cold variation of cage fighting that he was no longer her son and that she never wanted to see him again.

There was the boy in his late teens who, during a therapy session, yelled something at his mother that was so lewd and profane that it’s unprintable. And his mother answered him with similar vitriol. Any reasonable resolution of their issues suddenly seemed impossible as rage and deep resentment hung in the air.

There are many instances where a parent or an adult child may be righteously angry. There may be unresolved trauma from the past. Or a growing conviction that having a relationship with the other person is neither possible nor desirable.

How to Avoid Verbal Battles and Reduce Rancor

What can you do to resolve differences or go your separate ways without resorting to verbal battles that leave nothing but pain and continuing rancor between you?

1. Let go of the assumption that your parent or adult child will change because you demand it or because of the visceral shock of your words. You can’t change another person. You can only change yourself—or how you react to a particular situation with your parent or your adult child. Dumping vitriol on the other can indeed be a shock, but it doesn’t do anything to inspire positive change or compassionate compromises.
2. Realize that bringing up the past repeatedly and resentfully solves nothing. Think about it. You can’t go back and change the past. Being reminded of all the mistakes you made as a parent or the horror of your rebellious adolescence does nothing to inspire growth beyond a painful past. Focus on the present and what might be possible now. Notice the ways you both may have grown and changed since the bad old days.
3. Know that emotional cage fighting can lead to an estrangement that neither of you may want. When you spew venom that can’t be unsaid or unheard, it can build emotional barriers anew. When someone feels under attack, their defensiveness and your rage can block any meaningful communication.
4. Inflicting pain is not productive. It can be a temptation to strike back at someone who has traumatized or hurt you deeply. But it is more productive to deal with your trauma and/or anger in therapy, discovering, over time, a way forward to a healthier, happier life.
5. Realize that some things can’t be unsaid—or unheard. When a parent is blamed for her partner’s suicide or when a parent vehemently rejects a child who is coming out, those words hang between parent and child in a way that can’t be erased by later apologies.
6. When you feel a rage attack coming on, breathe deeply and stay silent while you choose your words carefully. Taking time to sort through your feelings may preclude dumping vitriol on the other and escalating your conflict.
7. Give each other a timeout. This can be particularly helpful if you’re in a shouting match where communication has stopped and hurled insults are fueling your anger and causing you to tune each other out.
8. Make the decision to forgive for yourself, not for the other person. Carrying the burden of anger and resentment over the past can weigh you down emotionally for years to come. Making the decision to forgive and let go isn’t easy. But it may help to tell yourself that this isn’t to let the other person off easily or to negate the pain of what happened between you in the past. It’s a way to lighten your emotional load as you continue on with your life.
9. Take responsibility for your own life. That’s the path to freedom. Some people are locked into anger, old and new, in unending conflict with a parent or an adult child.

The mother who demands closeness, building her life around busy adult children who don’t desire frequent contact, is dooming herself to daily disappointment and feelings of rejection.

The adult child stuck in blaming mode with a parent over events that took place decades ago may have trouble building a new life beyond that pain.

Feeling stuck in a painful place can lead to some ugly moments that only increase the emotional chasm between you. Whether you are able to resolve your differences or decide to go your separate ways, taking the responsibility for your own growth and happiness from now on can enhance your life immeasurably.