The Final Two Steps to Alleviating Abusive Behavior

These are the final steps in my seven-step process for healing abusive behavior.

Step 6: Learn how to give a meaningful apology and experience empathy

In the previous step (#5), you were asked to acknowledge to your partner (or older child) that your behavior has sometimes been abusive. The next step is for you to apologize for that behavior. Apologizing to your partner (or older child) for your abusive behavior or attitude will not only be healing for them, but for you as well. We are not talking about just any apology; we are talking about what I call a meaningful apology. A meaningful apology consists of what I call the three Rs of apology—regret, responsibility, and remedy. Unless all three of these elements are present, your partner will sense that something is missing in your apology and they will feel short-changed. Let’s take a look at each element in detail:

• Regret—a statement of regret for having caused hurt and damage to the other person. This includes an expression of empathy toward the other person, including an acknowledgement of the hurt and damage you caused this person.
• Responsibility—an acceptance of responsibility for your actions. This means not blaming anyone else for what you did and not making excuses for your actions, but instead accepting full responsibility for what you did and for the consequences of your actions.
• Remedy—a statement of your willingness to take action to remedy the situation. This takes place either by promising not to repeat the action, promising to work toward not making the same mistake again, stating how you are going to remedy the situation (e.g., go to therapy), or making restitution for the damages you caused (e.g., paying for your partner’s therapy).

Practicing Empathy

Before you can give a meaningful apology—an apology that will be truly healing to both of you—you must first develop empathy for your partner. This can be difficult for some of you. The following exercise will help:

1. Start by imagining how your partner must have felt when you treated them the way you did. Do you think they felt hurt? Angry? Afraid? Ashamed? Disappointed?
2. Now think about the effects your abusive behavior had on your partner’s self-esteem. Can you understand how your words or actions damaged their self-image?
3. If you denied responsibility for your abusive actions or tried to make your partner doubt their perceptions, can you imagine how this would have affected them?
4. How do you imagine it must have felt to live with you? Can you imagine how hopeless your partner must have felt at times? Can you imagine how much they must have hated you and hated themselves for not being able to leave you?

If you have difficulty putting yourself in your partner’s place, don’t get discouraged. Keep trying. It will certainly help if you are willing to listen to your partner tell you how much you hurt or damaged them. The more you are open to truly taking in what those you harmed have to say, the more empathy you will develop. One very effective tool is to write about your relationship from your partner’s point of view (“I’m __’s partner and this is how it has felt to be involved with him”). Think of empathy as a skill or a muscle. The more you practice it, the stronger it will become.

Step 7: Continue to work on your unfinished business from the past

This includes continuing to release your feelings of anger and pain toward those who harmed you and confronting abusers, either directly or indirectly.

You may find that you continue to resist the idea that it was the neglect or abuse by one of your parents (or other significant caregivers) that set you up to become abusive. Ironically, those who become abusive often have a more difficult time admitting this than other people. While it is natural to want to protect your parents, do not do so at the expense of your own healing. Working on your unfinished business includes:

• Acknowledging the anger, sadness, fear, and shame you feel as a result of the neglect or abuse you experienced as a child. For example, while you may have no difficulty getting angry at your partner, your anger toward an abuser may be buried deep inside of you. Fortunately, you can use your current anger to help you access your repressed or suppressed anger from the past. Every time you get angry at your partner, ask yourself if one of your parents displayed the same behavior that is upsetting you concerning your partner. For example, if your partner is too busy with kids to stop and listen to you, ask yourself if this reminds you of how your mother ignored your needs.
• Find safe and constructive ways to release your anger and pain concerning your childhood abuse (e.g., kneel down beside your bed and hit your mattress with your fists, put your head in a pillow and scream).
• Confront your abuser or abusers (not necessarily in person). For example, write them a letter (that you do not send) telling them how they harmed you and how you feel about what they did. When you are alone in the house, tell your abusive parent off, saying everything you wish you could have said at the time.

I hope these seven steps have helped you in your desire to discontinue your abusive behavior. These steps may seem simple, but the work you put into practicing them will be difficult at times. You’ll want to talk yourself out of facing painful memories and emotions, but this is the key to healing. Your pride may tell you that it wasn’t your fault that you became abusive, that your partner played a role as well. But in this case, your pride is just a way of covering up your shame—shame that can be healed by doing the work. I wish you all the best for your healing journey.