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My father just celebrated his 97th birthday, and I reflected on his role as a parent throughout my lifetime. I have also been studying the psychology of relationships for more than 50 years (dating back to my research as an undergraduate). I thought I would list some of the important elements of good parenting, as illustrated by my father (and my mom) and supported by research.
Here are those lessons.
The Power of Positive Expectations
The well-researched Pygmalion Effect (and the pioneering work of Robert Rosenthal) clearly shows that holding positive expectations about others actually leads to a self-fulfilling prophecy. In short, if you have faith in someone, expect them to achieve positive outcomes, and express that to them, they will be motivated to fulfill your expectations.
My physician father consistently believed that his children would complete college, but, as he noted, he didn’t see college as just four years. He also expected us (my sister, my brother, and me) to obtain a graduate or professional degree. Consistent with his expectations, we all achieved that.
The Pygmalion Effect is important not just in parenting, but also in leadership, as evidenced by the work of Dov Eden, who has demonstrated that leaders who hold positive expectations of followers motivate them to fulfill those expectations.
Being There: The Importance of Social Support
There is a good body of evidence that confirms that positive social support from others not only helps in alleviating stress, but can also lead to less anxiety and better well-being in the target of that support.
My father was consistently supportive of his kids. He not only had the good fortune of being able to provide financial support, but he was consistently there for us.
It wasn’t all good; there can be some negativity in social support networks. My father had high standards for himself. He was an excellent student and pushed himself to continue to learn and develop throughout his medical career. As a result, he would get pretty upset if he thought we were slacking off. I remember him calling me “lazy” in the evening when I told him I didn’t have any homework. Although that hurt, I think that it pushed me to achieve in my adult life and career.
Positive Role Modeling
Our home life was stable. We often joked that it seemed like one of those 1950s or ’60s family shows (Ozzie & Harriet, Father Knows Best). For the most part, my parents were positive role models and taught us what it means to be good adults and family members.
Authoritative Parenting
Authoritative parenting involves parents who provide their children with structure and rules, but also allow kids the freedom to grow (and make mistakes). My parents followed this parenting model, and thankfully, we learned from the mistakes we made. I believe it made my siblings and me better parents later in life.
The Power of Love
Although my parents were not the “hugging type,” there was never any doubt that they loved their children. It is particularly important in these later years of our relationship that my father and I sign off each phone call with an “I love you.”
The Importance of Giving Back
My father, in particular, thought it very important to “give back” in terms of financial support for various causes, his alma maters, and community activities. He volunteered monthly as a professor of clinical practice in medicine. This clearly rubbed off on his kids, as we understand the importance of volunteering and giving back to our respective communities.
Happy 97th birthday, Dad!
