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There could be something fishy about the following situation: Say you are getting closer and closer to someone, and that person dramatically changes his or her behavior. For example, he or she abruptly becomes less and less available, more and more critical, and more and more confusing in general. Well, that person could be doing what’s become known as “puffer-fishing.”
What Does a Real Puffer Fish Do?
This dating term grew from what a real puffer fish does when sensing danger. The puffer fish is normally quite docile and playful—a bit SpongeBob SquarePantsy. However, when there’s a possible threat around, the puffer fish literally goes, “Gulp”—gulping in enough water to swell its flexible body to two or three times its normal size. This swelling will, at the same time, cause sharp spines on the puffer fish’s body to jut out, creating a not-so-swell situation for predators who want to eat and swallow the puffer fish.
What Is Puffer Fishing in Dating?
Puffer-fishing in dating is when a person gets alarmed and pushes back once a relationship gets closer. This person essentially goes from a playful persona to one that’s guarded, distant, or even combative. You may wonder why he or she is suddenly less conversant and—to use another sea creature—clams up a whole lot more. You may find the two of you suddenly getting into a whole lot of arguments, often over very minor things.
Why Might a Person Puffer Fish?
Now, there are two big reasons why people may puffer fish. One is that they may not be interested in commitment at all; perhaps they’re players or just not ready to settle down yet. Or, they may simply not want to settle down with you specifically.
Another possibility is that they actually do want a committed relationship. The reason for the puffing, though, is—gulp—fearing the loss of control or getting hurt. This can be seen when people have avoidant attachment. This insecure attachment style can emerge from childhoods with caregivers who were emotionally distant, overly critical, or generally dismissive of their needs. Such an experience can lead them to suppress their emotions and become super self-reliant when reaching adulthood. All of this is done to guard against rejection and hurt.
How Do You Handle a Puffer Fish?
The first thing to do when encountering a puffer fish is to figure out what might be the cause. Consider asking the person directly whether he or she is interested in a committed relationship. If the person answers, “No,” then believe them the first time, as they say. The decision for you then is whether you want to stay with someone who doesn’t want anything more than being casual with you.
If instead the person answers, “Yes” to wanting a committed relationship, then things get a bit more complicated. You could point out the discrepancy that you are seeing between the answer and the actions. Do this in a clear, yet respectful and non-confrontational manner, though. Otherwise, you may see a whole lot more huffing and puffing. Be gentle, and avoid any language that seems to blame the person. And make sure that you allow the person enough space so you don’t come off as pressuring him or her.
Maybe this will get the person to recognize what’s going on and feel more comfortable being closer. Remember, though, it’s not your role or responsibility to “fix” the person. That rests on the puffer fish. What you need to decide is whether there is indeed a fit between you and who the person is now—not potentially in the future, but now.
What If You Are Doing the Puffer Fishing?
Now, if you find yourself pushing others away when things get closer, you could be the one exhibiting fishy behavior. This may be OK if you don’t want to be in a committed relationship with the person. Just be honest and upfront so you aren’t misleading him or her.
But puffer-fishing can be a real impediment to finding a closer, committed relationship, if that’s what you actually want. Therefore, it’s important to recognize your own puffer-fishing. Let your date know what’s going on rather than having him or her guess or fish for what you are thinking and feeling. Open communication is so important in any relationship.
Such recognition and communication alone could help you ease your anxiety and fear. Reassure yourself that revealing vulnerability is a strength rather than a weakness. Consider mindfulness practices such as meditation and getting support, especially from professionals, when you are finding it difficult to deflate, so to speak.
All the while, whether you are encountering puffer fish or being one yourself, it’s important to keep dating in proper perspective. Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea. But many of them might not be good fits for you. The best way to find the right match is to unabashedly reveal who you are and not puff yourself up to be who you are not.
