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Raising non-sporty boys in a culture that prizes athletic talent in males and rewards competitiveness and power playing is no easy feat. After all, it isn’t long before a young boy recognizes that what really matters at the bus stop and on the playground is how far you can throw, how fast you can run and how often you win.
Big, strong, athletically gifted boys have always dominated childhood’s social landscape. Their physical presence alone trumps the clout of smaller, quieter boys, but it’s their love of sports and fierce desire to win anything and everything that really jettisons these boys to the top—especially in America, home of the Marlboro Man and seven-figure pro athlete salaries, and where it is assumed that being faster, stronger, louder, or mightier is always going to be better. Unfortunately, the coolness factor associated with being athletic has created a veritable caste system, leaving many non-athletic boys feeling undervalued and marginalized.
Taking pleasure in playing sports or other types of physical games depends upon at least a few things in a child’s life lining up correctly. For one, they need a body that can run and catch and climb reasonably well. But kids with learning disabilities, in particular non-verbal learning disabilities, will find those disabilities affect their physical performance.
For instance, a boy with visual processing deficits could have difficulty throwing a basketball into the hoop or hitting a ball with the bat. Games like Ping-Pong, where players must quickly discern figure-ground relationships, may also be difficult. He might have trouble grabbing the flag off another player in flag football or have problems holding on to a ball that he just caught. None of these experiences is going to endear the boy to athletics. Introverted boys and kids who aren’t cut out for the discipline or regimentation of team sports are also often affected. So are the boys who don’t dislike sports so much as simply prefer other activities.
Helping Your Non-Sporty Son Navigate the Social Challenges of Childhood
The most important issue at hand is recognizing when your child might be experiencing problems in his school or among his peers related to him not enjoying or playing sports.
Signs Non-athletic Boys May Be in Trouble:
- Complaining of bellyaches, headaches, or general “I don’t feel well” on gym days.
- Hanging along the sidelines of physical activities or looking uncomfortable in unstructured social situations among boys (waiting for assembly, outside during a fire drill, walking from classroom to the school library).
- Staying close to adults during play times or other free, unstructured times.
- Going to the bathroom frequently before gym class or recess.
Ideas to Implement at School:
- Parents can encourage their child’s school to provide game activities for kids who don’t like high-exertion activities but who also don’t want to get stuck with only the swings as an alternative. Games like knock hockey, air hockey, and foosball, and an oversized Jenga set offer great alternatives and safe havens for boys who are looking for non-contact, interactive activities or who simply need to be doing something. An industrious parent-teacher association can find secondhand tables through its own parent network, Craigslist, or yard sales.
- In place of traditional gym activities that favor the naturally athletic boys, schools could adopt short-session modules in which parent or teacher volunteers run programs on introductory fencing, raft making, or boomerang throwing—novel activities that draw on a variety of skill sets. Many schools now include fitness and working out as an alternative to traditional sports, and that’s been a game-changer for many non-sporty boys.
- Schools can also be encouraged to identify boys a grade or two older who could be responsible for making sure everyone has something to do during recess and other unstructured times (lunch, waiting to be dismissed to the buses). These boys would be the same kinds of kids who are invited to be hallway guards, guides for new students, and the like. With kids so very anxious these days about being left by themselves and thus identified as “losers,” knowing that there’s a safe, older student to even stand around with if necessary provides some measure of relief
Ideas to Implement at Home:
- Direct your child toward physical activities, games, and sports that will capitalize on his natural strengths. These boys may instead gravitate toward sports where they have more control over the game itself, such as racquetball or table tennis, or opt for more solitary activities such as hiking or biking, where their need for independence enhances rather than interferes with the experience. Some boys just don’t like competing at all or like it only in nonphysical, nonsporting arenas, such as chess or music. Or, maybe they love competing and are really good at their game, but have chosen sports and activities more commonly selected by girls, such as horseback riding or dance or gymnastics.
- Help your child learn to value their intellect and education. If you discover that being smart or educated is not valued by your child’s peer group at school, then make a point to value it more visibly at home. Keep the matter light, so your kids don’t brace against conversations you might try to start about the books or movies you love, or about interesting current events. Switch things around on family movie night and bring out one of the wordplay board games stuffed in the back of a closet. If they say they’re too old for board games, pitch it as a competition, or even as “cross-training.” After all, a lot of winning in sports can indeed be attributed to a player’s skill in handling the mental game.
