After the Baby: What No One Tells You

I was ready for my 6,720 hours of pregnancy. I had been taught how to exercise for my aching back, sleep in a semi-comfortable position, and pant during labor. I was also prepared for the birth—the crowning, the first skin-to-skin touch, and the bonding during breastfeeding.

But no one told me what to do or expect after I gave birth. And from what my patients who are first-time mothers report, not much has changed.

Most of my patients tell me they are exhausted after giving birth, for much longer than they expected—weeks to months. Fluctuating hormones create some moodiness for many new mothers. Breastfeeding isn’t always possible, sleep is disrupted, and every time they hear the baby cry, they say, their stomach flips, and their brain goes on high alert. Soon, this hyper-vigilance creates even more unexpected problems—distraction, disorganization, and some brain fog.

Does this mean that they are not thrilled to be mothers? They tell me they are thrilled, but also confused and embarrassed about so many other feelings they’re having at the same time. On one hand, new moms generally report higher life satisfaction, increased empathy, and feelings of pride as mothers,¹ but some say they feel like they lost a large part of their identity after motherhood.² Some also feel isolated or alone, miss their independence, miss intimacy if they are dealing with painful intercourse, and, if they went through fertility struggles, wonder why they thought being a mother was the easy part—especially when they find that the “village” they expected to help only visits the baby to play, not to stay.

Strategies for Lowering New-Mom Stress

Here are some strategies for lowering new-mom stress and boosting new-mom satisfaction.

• Reach out to friends and family. Since low support from family and friends is one of the primary predictors of a new mother’s baby blues,³ be sure to reach out to family and friends for help, advice, and company. When they ask about the baby and forget to ask about you, fill them in on your life, and don’t be afraid to tell them how much a visit, or laugh, or an hour of babysitting would mean.
• Get professional support. Baby blues are transient for most new mothers, but if you become too emotionally, physically, or mentally exhausted to function in daily life or enjoy your new baby, reach out for professional support. Your physician can check your hormone levels and refer you for supportive CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). Counseling can help align your expectations with your reality, dispel misguided guilt, and become more comfortable asking for help.
• Share with other new parents. Ask your therapist about a support group made up of other new mothers, so you can openly share concerns about the postpartum experience and symptoms; these can include incontinence, low libido, sore nipples, latch problems, and low breast milk supply. For example, some say it’s “natural” to relax while breastfeeding, but that encourages self-blame. A new mother’s group can make that clear. New parent groups that include men are also helpful because they often focus on concerns that cross gender lines and roles, such as formula vs. breast milk, bringing the baby to bed or joining them beside the crib, and teaching early signing or waiting for word progression.
• Rest, when possible. I gave myself permission to nap when my baby napped, instead of using that time for my to-do list. The naps restored my energy and sense of humor. If you can’t give yourself permission for time-offs, I give you permission.
• Talk to yourself. Remind yourself that any change—even a good change, like becoming a mother—is stressful. Expect some lows with the highs and some stress with the bliss as you step into motherhood. Take care of yourself as well as your baby, so you can both enjoy this stage and all the new stages ahead.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.