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Many of my clients have reported that a narcissist accused them of being “manipulative.” Understandably, this can cause confusion and anger when you are the target of this accusation. Narcissists tend to project: They accuse you of doing something they are doing. Remember, with a narcissist, an accusation is a confession. I have had clients question if they are being manipulative when they have learned effective communication strategies with a narcissist. You can see how narcissists create doubt and confusion in their victims and make them question themselves. In this post, you will learn the difference between strategic communication and manipulation.
What Is Manipulation?
Manipulation is about controlling and/or punishing another person. Manipulation requires deception, coercion, guilting, shaming, and pressure. When someone is manipulative, they may lack the empathy to care about how their actions are harming another person. A manipulative person wants what they want, period.
That said, sometimes when people are in a desperate situation, they resort to manipulation to get what they need. That is different from the manipulation a narcissist uses day in and day out. A narcissist uses manipulation consistently, even after their behavior has been pointed out to them.
Here are some examples of how narcissists manipulate in conversation:
- I never said/did that.
- You are so selfish.
- If you walk away from me, I’m cutting you off for good.
- I have never done anything so selfish. You’re the most selfish person I know.
- I’m just doing what’s best for you. You’ll see I did you a favor.
- This hurts me more than it hurts you.
In these examples, the narcissist isn’t attempting to empathize with someone. These are accusations and statements that the narcissist knows someone better than they know themselves.
Narcissists tend to use fear, obligation, and guilt (FOG) to manipulate others. Fear statements include, “If you cross me again, you’ll be out on the street,” or “I’ll make sure you get your kids taken away from you.” Obligation statements include, “After all I have done for you, you need to show some respect,” or “I made sure you were clothed and fed, and this is how you treat me?” Guilt statements include, “No wonder your kids think you’re a terrible mother,” or “No wonder you’re divorced, you’ve always been difficult.” Once you can recognize FOG statements, it helps you take a step back and see that the narcissist is using a manipulation technique.
Influence Is Not Manipulation
When we ask friends and family for help, negotiate disagreements between our kids, explain our point of view, and help others to consider alternative solutions, we are practicing influence. Influence is strategic communication, not manipulation. Manipulation involves trying to control or punish someone. Manipulation says, “I’m out to get what I want, regardless of how it hurts you.” Influence says, “How can we solve this problem in a way that gives us the best chance at a fair solution?” and “How can I strive to listen to this person and also feel that I was listened to?” Strategic communication helps us tailor our message so that everyone gets the best possible result. You are being authentic in what you are saying.
What Is Strategic Communication?
We may choose the right time to bring up a difficult conversation with a family member. We may pause and wait for feedback from our conversation partner. We may check in with ourselves to see if our nonverbal communication matches what we are trying to convey. Being thoughtful about how we communicate isn’t manipulation; it’s a sign of maturity and emotional intelligence.
The following are ways to practice strategic communication with a narcissist:
- Keeping answers brief and unemotional (the “gray rock” technique).
- Choosing not to react to bait.
- Bringing up an issue with a narcissist only when there are witnesses present.
- Communicating by email to create a paper trail.
Being strategic with a narcissist doesn’t mean that you are being dishonest. Strategic communication is about communicating thoughtfully, with intention and emotional intelligence.
Emotionally healthy people often think before they speak. They choose an appropriate time to discuss difficult topics. They don’t use insulting or demeaning language. They express their boundaries clearly. They listen and empathize with others. This style of communication is not manipulative; it is communicating in a way where both people feel heard and respected.
Your Emotions Are Valid
Just because you are practicing strategic communication with a narcissist doesn’t mean your emotions go away. You may be expressing yourself in a calm way to the narcissist, but you may be feeling angry or hurt inside. You’re human—you are still going to feel intense emotions about what the narcissist says and does, especially when they violate your boundaries. However, you are aware that showing any kind of emotion to a narcissist feeds them and potentially increases their behavior. Instead, you wait until you are in a safe place or with emotionally healthy people to express those emotions or practice self-care.
If a narcissist tells you that you are manipulative, chances are that you aren’t. Go with your gut feeling. Interactions with narcissists usually leave people feeling confused, frustrated, and angry. Keeping your side of the street clean isn’t manipulative.
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