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Most people in relationships have a sense of being wanted, yet many of these same people feel unfulfilled and have a deeper sense of longing. Sure, the relationships are generally good enough, but something seems to be missing. That something is a true feeling of “being chosen.”
Being Wanted vs. Being Chosen
Look at it this way: There are many reasons why someone might “want” you. A friend may want you to keep them from feeling lonely. Or maybe you are exciting, a lot of fun, and can open up social opportunities. A romantic partner might want these same things and also want you for your good looks, the way you make them feel, and for sex. Your child (even your 35-year-old adult child) might want you for the security and stability you offer, the sense that there is always a home to come back to, and for a link to their historical past (and hence a sense of continuity in their life).
Although all this may be true, being wanted might not necessarily make you feel special. For example, I have seen people very much want to have a baby… and then I have cringed to hear them say, “I just want to have somebody to love me.” I have also seen children who have had to live like young adults. They were very much wanted… but then I hear how their familial role was to take care of their needy or emotionally incompetent parent. These people were very much wanted… but they were wanted for what they could provide. In this respect, being wanted implies a transaction where we meet needs, solve problems, or provide status, security, excitement, or stability.
When you are chosen, on the other hand, the flow of energy is reversed. You are deeply valued simply for who you are. You become the one who is loved and given to, not the one from whom love is sought or desired. When someone intentionally honors us, loves us, cherishes, or adores us, then we know we are chosen. There are no conditions for what we have to do to earn this other than to be ourselves.
Attachment vs. Being Chosen
Being an attachment figure for someone… even in the case of secure attachment… does not entail that we were chosen. In attachment theory, the person who is the secure base for another is regulating that other person’s emotions and making them feel secure. In effect, there is still an implicit transaction here that security will be provided before reciprocal love is given and bonding occurs.
Being chosen goes beyond this. It entails a “giving” stance, such that the other person would be more interested in providing a secure base for us instead of the other way around. This is particularly salient when we age as parents. What a gift it is to have your adult children let you know they are choosing to spend special time with you, to give to you, and treat you with honor… even when you are no longer in a place to protect them with your resources, home, or security. In this case, the returning child is saying, “I value you, and you occupy a unique place in my heart.” This is more a matter of unconditional positive regard as opposed to attachment per se.
Learning to Practice Love
Now, don’t take me wrong. Being wanted isn’t bad. The problem is when a relationship contains only wanting. To be wanted means being appreciated for what you contribute. Being chosen means being cherished for who you are. A parent might go beyond telling a child that they were wanted to also saying, “Of all the children in the world, I wish I could convey how grateful I am that you are my child!”
Ultimately, it would be foolhardy for me to tell you how to be chosen. It should be obvious that this is outside of your control. The true question should be, “How do I become someone who intentionally chooses others?” This shifts the focus from seeking validation to practicing love.
Choosing someone involves a voluntary investment that exceeds obligation. To choose someone is not to love them without benefit to yourselves. It is to love them without requiring them to continually justify their place in our hearts.
So, who in your life can you choose this week?
Here are some possibilities:
- An older parent you call simply because you enjoy hearing their voice and spending time with them.
- A spouse you treat with warmth and affection, even when the relationship has been tense and may not be fully repaired.
- An adult child whom you honor and respect for who they are… rather than evaluating and approving of their accomplishments.
- A young person whom you take under your wing and mentor just because you see something special in them.
- A friend whom you reach out to simply because you want them to know they matter.
Relationships Essential Reads
Maybe the best cure for feeling unchosen is not finding someone who will choose us, but, rather, learning how to choose others. When we intentionally bring people into our hearts and cherish them without keeping score, we can imagine what being chosen feels like. And maybe the world would be a kinder place if we treated each other a little more like beloved pets: not demanding that others always prove their worth, but finding joy simply in their existence.
