The Humility Intimacy Requires | Psychology Today

Couples get stuck in recurring conflict, frustration, avoidance, and resentment because they struggle to get out of their own way. When conflict erupts, both members may put up their protective guards. Unfortunately, a big part of their defense is a tendency to double down on their own perspectives and hold so firmly to that perspective that no other light can get in. Their internal thoughts reinforce a negative interaction, which increases negative thoughts. This can manifest in arguments chock-full of sharp criticisms and stonewalling.

Take Jack and Dianne:

Dianne is infuriated that Jack is late again. She knows he is at work and is forgetting all about her. She knows she is last on his list. She knows he doesn’t even care about how she is feeling in this moment. The meaning of his lateness stings her and makes her angry instantly. Her whole body mobilizes; it is time for Jack to get the message that he is rude, disrespectful, and thoughtless. By the time Jack enters the restaurant, Dianne’s face is hot with anger. She tells him she’s had it with him. On guard, Jack lays into how hard he works and how tired he is and how over it he is. The couple leaves the restaurant without even ordering dinner.

This scenario may play out again and again for couples over a range of issues. Each member holds strong to their perspective, unwilling to let go of it even for a moment. Letting go and being curious with your partner often feels terrifying in the moment. Many come to think that if they are vulnerable with others, they will be dismissed, criticized, or invalidated. It’s easy to start to believe that expressing softer emotions or genuine curiosity means you are overly sensitive, weak, or a doormat. Anger feels like strength in these moments; a way to stand up for yourself. It’s often easier to just go with anger than to have to put it to the side and consider your more tender emotions or what might really be going on for your partner.

So, a couple has many repetitive conversations that follow this same pattern, but never the conversation—the one that would heal, patch up the pain, and enable the couple to go forward in harmony. To do this, however, requires letting go, a putting down of the sword. That can feel scary. Here are four ways to start this approach without overwhelming yourself:

1. The humility to ask questions: When upset, a narrative plays out in which you become more and more certain of it. This narrative isn’t just about what happened in the moment but likely also carries remnants of past hurts, whether in this relationship or other past romantic relationships or even from your childhood. It can be hard when upset to know exactly what the facts are, yet people become very convinced that their perspective is 100 percent accurate. Dropping your perspective, even for a moment, and asking your partner about their thoughts or feelings can cut through the tension almost immediately. At a minimum, you are modeling what you want from your partner, for them to be interested in your perspective and to hear you. What also often happens is that your partner reveals something that eases your tension or anger, and you see that maybe things aren’t as black and white as your mind was telling you.
2. The humility to be wrong: Recognizing when you are in the wrong takes letting go of ego. An acknowledgment of wrongdoing, and of a specific wrongdoing, most always brings closeness. This doesn’t have to be “You’re right; I am a thoughtless jerk,” but it could be “I am in the wrong; I should have called you and let you know I was late, and I can imagine this makes you feel really awful.”
3. The humility to reveal your struggles and needs: When we become certain that our narrative is the correct narrative, that narrative starts to play out on repeat in the mind. By the time you speak to your partner, you just can’t help but unleash the narrative of what you know to be going on in your relationship or with your partner. A way around this is to try to understand your deeper, more vulnerable feelings and needs and express these instead. So… “You are a thoughtless jerk,” becomes “I need to feel like I can rely on you. When I feel like I can count on you, I feel close to you.”
4. The humility to change yourself: When couples improve their connection or decrease their conflict, it is rarely because the other person changed; it’s because you changed. Learning a new way to manage intimacy or conflict, or to express your emotions, helps you become a more actualized person and is a way to value your partner.