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When we start falling for someone, our immediate thoughts aren’t always practical. For many, love begins as a whirlwind period where infatuation, chemistry and excitement eclipse nearly everything else. We focus on how deeply we feel for our partner, and not necessarily on whether our relationship with them can actually withstand the realities of life.
But in the grand scheme of adulthood, durability is what ultimately reigns. Most people imagine a future where they’ve built some kind of stability. And if you hope to one day settle down with someone who will treat you with the same care and commitment you offer them, passion alone isn’t enough to guarantee that future.
Here are two of the clearest signs your partner is long-term material.
1. Your Partner Shares Your Goals and Values
A partner who has the same goals and values as you is every bit as attractive as someone who’s successful, charming or physically appealing — if not more so. That’s because deep compatibility instills a sense of emotional security that things like passion and chemistry simply can’t.
Surface-level similarities (e.g., liking the same music, hobbies, TV shows, etc.) can absolutely be beneficial. But they can only take a relationship so far. For the vast majority of couples, longevity is determined by whether or not they agree on the major structural questions of life: children, finances, religion, caregiving roles, career priorities, where to live and what kind of future they ultimately want.
When two people are aligned on these bigger-picture issues, compromise becomes far easier. Sacrifices don’t feel as painful because both people are ultimately moving toward the same destination. But when their core goals are fundamentally at odds, they’ll regularly find themselves feeling dissatisfied or having arguments that can’t ever be resolved.
In a 2023 study published in Personality and Individual Differences, researchers found that certain forms of personality and value similarity were associated with greater relationship satisfaction among dating couples. Specifically, traits linked to emotional stability, conscientiousness and agreeableness — as well as shared “self-transcendence” values like care, compassion and concern for others — were the most consistent predictors of satisfaction.
In other words, compatibility is a matter of whether or not your way of approaching life fundamentally fits together with your partner’s.
Imagine a relationship in which both partners are set on having geographic stability, maintaining close family ties and raising their children in one place. When career opportunities arise, their discussions may still be difficult, but their overall alignment makes compromise feel worth it in the end. Their decisions feel collaborative rather than adversarial.
Now compare that to a couple where one partner dreams of a life of travelling and adventure, while the other desperately wants rootedness and proximity to family. Neither person is necessarily wrong, but their relationship together would be a constant negotiation between two incompatible futures — worse, neither has a chance to end up truly happy if they stay together.
The most helpful approach is paying attention to four areas in particular:
- Your vision for the future (e.g., marriage, relocation, having kids, etc.)
- Your deal-breakers (e.g., political, spiritual, social, family-related, etc.)
- Your money priorities (e.g., expectations for saving, spending, etc.)
- Your caregiving expectations (e.g., kids, each other, aging relatives, etc.)
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A healthy long-term relationship can only be achieved between two partners who have compatible trajectories. They don’t need to be identical, but they need to be possible without one eclipsing the other.
2. Your Partner Accepts Your Repair Attempts
No matter how compatible two people are, conflict is inevitable. The real question is whether the relationship knows how to recover from it. This is why renowned relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman argues that one of the strongest indicators of long-term relationship stability is “repair acceptance”: a partner’s willingness to accept attempts to de-escalate conflict, as opposed to continually attacking, withdrawing or trying to “win” the fight.
These repair attempts are usually modest, but they still play an integral role in whether conflict leads to positive change. They include things like:
- “I’m sorry. Let me try saying that differently.”
- “Okay, we’re getting heated. Can we pause?”
- Reaching for your partner’s hand during an argument
- Cracking gentle humor to reduce tension
- Saying, “I understand why you’re upset.”
- Following up later after cooling down
Gottman’s 2015 study, published in the Journal of Family Psychotherapy, found that effective repair attempts were pivotal in reducing negative emotion and restoring positive emotional connection during conflict.
Interestingly, he found that the most effective repairs were usually emotional rather than logical. This meant that tools like shared humor, affection, empathy, taking partial responsibility and reassuring statements like “we’re okay” were the most powerful in helping couples reconnect. Notably, he also found that “pre-emptive” repairs (i.e., attempts made early in conflict before escalation fully takes hold) were particularly effective.
When conflict persistently goes unresolved in a relationship, it starts tainting moments outside of the conflict itself, too. One partner is always apologizing and extending olive branches; the other gives the cold shoulder or acts bitter until they’re “over it.” When this becomes the norm after every conflict, disagreements start to feel like a legitimate threat to your livelihood.
If your partner is adept at initiating or accepting repair attempts, then arguments tend to end with statements like:
- “Okay, let’s start over.”
- “I hear you.”
- “I’m still upset, but I don’t want us fighting like this.”
- “Let’s talk later when we’ve both calmed down.”
Contrastingly, rejected repairs look or sound more like:
- Sarcasm
- Eye-rolling
- Escalating criticism
- Silent treatment
- Mocking apologies
- Refusing to engage
To gauge whether or not your partner embodies this trait, pay attention the next time you and they have a mild disagreement. Try offering a small repair (e.g., soften your tone, apologize, ask to pause, attempt humor, etc.) and observe whether your partner accepts it or punishes it. In a truly healthy relationship, de-escalation is a mandatory part of conflict because both partners recognize the importance of maintaining a safe baseline.
A version of this post also appears on Forbes.com.
