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Attachment styles are fascinating, but they can also be confusing. It’s logical to assume that you have an insecure attachment style if you feel insecure. This notion may be reinforced by the insecurities you experience in your relationship. But let’s take a closer look. This may not be true.
A secure attachment style is the predictor of emotional intelligence in adulthood. It means that you have empathy and insight and that you are accountable. You trust others and try to see the good in people. Acting selflessly when you need to in a relationship is rarely a problem for you.
These capacities stem from your ability to grapple with uncomfortable emotions, understand them, and act on them usefully. Although admitting you are wrong and taking responsibility for yourself is not fun, you do it because you want your loved ones to trust you and you care about how your actions and words impact them.
The ability to recognize, articulate, and process troubling emotion is evidence that you are not walled off by staunch, unconscious defense mechanisms. You may get defensive at times, but your defensiveness usually softens, and you regain your ability to “look in the mirror” and find your part in a conflict. Your sense of self is strong and secure enough to handle your flaws.
Conversely, a person who rarely sincerely takes responsibility for themselves in a relationship (unless they get caught) may be profoundly insecure. It’s often difficult to tell because they compensate with aloofness and an air of superiority. Yet, if you look closer, their inability to admit fault, experience sincere remorse, and gain insight probably means they are highly defended.
Staunch and rigid defense mechanisms like deflection, projection, distortion, denial, and a victim mentality shield their fragile sense of self by placing blame elsewhere. In essence, they are too insecure to be aware of their insecurities.
In a relationship, this type of person also uses the unconscious defense mechanisms of idealization and devaluation. When you do and feel what they want you to, they love bomb you, but when you do not, they withdraw their love and affection. So, instead of being close to you, they use emotional manipulation to gain control. Acquiring this power over you is how they feel secure in the relationship.
Being in a relationship with someone like this can be confusing and distressing because you are not aware that they are emotionally manipulating you. At the beginning of your relationship, they love-bombed you, and it felt incredibly real. When they pull their affection and love away, it is startling and painful. The first thing you tend to think is, “What did I do wrong?”
Your partner may exploit your tendency to look at yourself and demand that you make a sacrifice or a change for them. As this cycle repeats itself, your identity suffers, and you experience major bouts of insecurity. However, the insecurity you experience may not be a result of your attachment style; it may be about the hot and cold nature of your relationship and your partner’s emotional manipulation.
If you are aware of your insecurities, you are strong enough to handle your own flaws, which typically means that you have a secure attachment style. The knowledge of your shortcomings also allows you to work on aspects of yourself that need attention. If you experience chronic insecurities in a relationship, do not assume that you have an insecure attachment style. The insecurities may stem from the hot-and-cold nature of your relationship. If your partner idealizes and devalues you to gain the upper hand in place of using empathy and accountability to remain close, the insecurity you experience may be a result of emotional manipulation.
