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Marie, a mother I coach, reached out to me on the heels of a holiday dinner blow-up. Her son, Seth, told her that her divorce had ruined his ability to have a relationship. She felt devastated by Seth’s hurtful comments. Three days later, he texted her asking her to cover six months of his rent, “since you’re the one who put me in this position financially, too.”
The Pattern of “You Owe Me” Deserves a Name
The above scenario is a real example (names changed to protect privacy) from my coaching work. You have likely seen many articles and books about gradual or sudden estrangement between adult children and their parents. But this different type of pattern, exemplified by Marie and Seth, is what I call the accusation-demand cycle. I frequently see occur between many emotionally hurt and reactive adult children and their guilt-overridden parents.
Typically, there is an accusation, and then what follows may be right away or even months later, is a request (demand). The narrative that comes with it is, “If you really feel bad about it, you’d help with the down payment.” Or, “The least you could do after everything, is give me rent money for an apartment (or let me live at home rent-free)”.
Once the parent’s guilt is activated, I usually don’t see it contained to any one conversation. It continues coming in like swarms of drones, looking for a place to land. These “guilt landing strips” take the form of sending money, the child coming home to live in the guest room or basement, or the parent incessantly replaying past parenting regrets in their mind.
Two Ways (With Sample Soundbites) To Hold The Line
Based on my new book, You Ruined My Life, Now You Owe Me!, I have presented below two sample soundbites with explanations. These originate from my work coaching parents, but please don’t see these soundbites as actual scripts. Rather, they are meant to foster a mindset in which you can present yourself as calmer, more rational, and more constructive in your responses to your adult, guilt-inducing child.
“I hear that this is still costing you, and I’m not going to solve it with money.”
In an unfortunate case I worked with, the guilt-laden parents informed me they gave their resentful adult child over $200,000 in efforts to “make up for the past.” Believe it or not, another parent who felt guilty had given their demanding adult child over $1 million, which only intensified the blame and subsequent demands. These are unusual, extreme situations. But even $200 or any smaller amount of money given with guilt as the driver is bound to crash and burn. Because parents are trying to buy or apologize their way out of guilt, they bypass opportunities for calmer, more constructive, mutually respectful relationships with their adult children.
When you respond by acknowledging your adult child’s pain and holding healthy boundaries, this can feel healthier for both parties. This is not a refusal to ever help. Yes, plenty of parents choose to financially support their children, and that can be genuinely loving. But when help becomes the price of forgiveness, it stops being generosity and starts being ransom. Rather, the above soundbite is a refusal to let money substitute for repair. When help becomes the price of forgiveness, it stops being generosity and starts being ransom. Let’s now look at my next suggested soundbite.
“I’m willing to keep working on this with you. I’m not willing to keep re-litigating whose fault it is.”
Based on my time working with adult children, beneath the blame, most desperately want to feel understood by their parents, more than a true verdict tied to the blame. Tom, another parent I worked with, learned this when his daughter, Paige, age 29, resurfaced after six months of no contact. She re-emerged in Tom’s life not with an apology but rather with a demand that he cosign a rent lease. She claimed Tom owed this money to her for being a narcissistic father and only thinking about himself for her whole life.
During our remote coaching session, Tom shared that, as much as he felt hurt by being called a narcissist, he still had an immediate instinct to say yes out of a sense of guilt. Instead, after Tom sounded out his racing thoughts and feelings, he followed up with Paige. He told her he was glad to hear from her, but hurt by her words. He further asserted that he was not ready to make a financial decision, because she was not interested in having a calm, constructive conversation.
Paige was annoyed. But she also called Tom two weeks later, sharing that she had found a roommate and no longer needed him to cosign. Much to Tom’s utter shock, Paige asked if Tom would meet her for coffee “just to hang out together.” Their relationship did not improve overnight, but it did get better as a result of healthier boundaries from Tom, which helped Paige stop taking advantage of him. This paved the way for a more fruitful and mutually respectful understanding of each other as well.
The Takeaway
When blame comes with demands, it can feel very dizzying for many parents stricken with guilt. The best ways to respond come from noticing what the blame is really asking for and answering in support of the relationship rather than the invoice.
