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Brian was married for three years when he came to my office in despair about his wife, Elise. Podcasts about narcissistic abuse had given him comfort, but Elise didn’t fit the typical mold—she could be loving and attuned to his feelings, even as she left him deeply confused and hurt. “What am I missing?” he asked.
Penelope, married to Anthony for seven years, came in tears. She wanted a divorce but dreaded the impact on her two young children. Penelope had patiently supported Anthony through medical training, only to find him colder and more critical at home. “How can he be so compassionate with patients—sometimes crying with them—and so calculating and dismissive with us?” she wondered.
Assessing personality, temperament, and even deeper patterns can challenge the best-trained professionals—let alone those trying to make sense of things at home, surrounded by endless “answers” at a swipe.
Not all dimensions of the human psyche have been explored. And sometimes, a new discovery challenges what we think we know.
Enter the “dark empath.”
For years, the consensus in psychology was that “dark triad” traits—Machiavellianism, psychopathy, and narcissism—lacked empathy. In fact, online “empath support groups” often describe abuse by cold, uncaring narcissists. Yet not all who claim empathic gifts are truly safe, and some who present as deeply understanding can be as manipulative as any Machiavellian, as controlling as a narcissist, or as subtly cruel as a psychopath.
In a 2021 study, Heym and colleagues coined the term “dark empath” and found their research sample broke down as follows: 34.4% “typicals,” 33.3% “empaths,” 19.3% “dark triad,” and 13% “dark empaths.” The dark triad and dark empaths are relatively small groups, but perhaps larger than many would expect.
What distinguishes the dark empath?
The researchers found that dark empaths were more agreeable than dark triads, though less so than typicals or empaths. They also tended to be more extraverted—a combination that can make them especially confusing, and perhaps more likable or persuasive, than their more obviously callous counterparts.
Yet, like their dark triad relatives, dark empaths still displayed higher levels of selfishness, distrust, and antagonism. They were more self-critical, showed higher stress and neuroticism, and—importantly—displayed greater attention-seeking and exhibitionism.
What’s the takeaway?
When someone proclaims themselves an “empath,” it’s wise to look past the label and observe their actual patterns of behavior—especially if something feels “off.” Empathy, on its own, isn’t always a guarantee of kindness or health in a relationship.
Discernment means watching for consistent care, respect, and boundaries—not just claims or surface warmth. Even those who seem empathic or sensitive may have motives that are self-serving or even manipulative. When in doubt, take time to notice not only how someone acts when it “counts,” but how they respond to limits, needs, and honest disagreement.
