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One of the main reasons healing a marriage after infidelity is so difficult—even when both people have the best of intentions—is that recovery is anything but steady.
Just when it seems like you’re starting to turn a corner and feel a bit more like yourself again, something happens, and you’re right back where you started. Discouragement sets in. Hope begins to fade.
Then, you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get yourself back on track. Only for a while, that is, until the next land mine trips you up.
The ups and downs become unbearable, leaving both spouses thinking, “Are we going to make it?” “Should we even bother trying?” “Maybe we’d be better off going our separate ways.”
If you or anyone you know is trying to heal after an affair, I’m certain that what you just read sounds all too familiar. And perhaps you’re wondering why it seems impossible to gain any traction in putting the affair and its aftermath in the past.
For the last few decades, I’ve been specializing in helping couples heal from infidelity and move past this universal quicksand in the recovery process. Here’s what I have learned about the best ways to ensure that the setbacks don’t permanently derail you in your quest to bring joy and peace back into your lives.
Accept that triggers are inevitable
Regardless of how much betrayed spouses may detest the fact that random painful thoughts will arise each time there is a reminder about the betrayal, I’ve never met a person for whom this is not so. Feeling triggered after the discovery of an affair is completely normal.
The problem isn’t getting triggered; the problem is what happens once the triggering thought arises.
Instead of temporarily accepting the fact that getting triggered is to be expected, especially early in the recovery process, many betrayed spouses feel that they should be “further along” and become discouraged and dispirited.
Now, instead of simply dealing with the pain of mentally reliving what’s happened, betrayed spouses add a second layer of pain due to the way they criticize themselves for being unable to avoid setbacks.
Often, this pain transforms into anger, which spills over to the unfaithful spouse for having made choices that landed them in this predicament in the first place. The conversations that follow typically don’t end well.
How to avoid being abducted by triggering thoughts
Although this requires lots of practice, when triggering thoughts occur, remind yourself that this is to be expected. Notice the thought, observe the feeling that arises, but resist the temptation to allow one thought to lead to another and another. In other words, avoid following the storyline simply because you “received an invitation” to go down the rabbit hole.
Following the storyline, or filling in more details, buries you deeper and makes it harder to dig your way out.
Of course, immediately after the discovery of an affair, this sort of discipline isn’t possible for most people. But, over time, choosing where to place one’s attention becomes a hard but viable choice.
Also, commit to the idea that judging oneself for “relapsing” is unfair and unreasonable. Give yourself some grace.
Finally, plan what you will do when the Trigger Demon trips you up. Have a list of things you can do to press the mental reset button. For example, call a friend, go for a walk, start your Wordle game, pray, feed your cat, and so on. Keep track of your triumphs over the ubiquitous Trigger Demon rather than focusing on times you’ve gotten off track.
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Unhelpful responses from the unfaithful spouse
Betrayed spouses aren’t the only ones who feel discouraged when triggers ruin an otherwise “normal” day. Unfaithful spouses, ever hopeful that the pain will go away, conversations about affairs will cease, and lives will feel normal again, frequently respond to their spouses’ triggering events in unhelpful ways.
If the affair has ended, an unfaithful spouse may assume that so, too, should the bad feelings and memories. They want their betrayed spouses to let go of the past and focus on the future instead. Unfaithful spouses can become impatient, frustrated, and critical. Empathy is in short supply.
But for the betrayed spouse, the affair isn’t in the past; betrayed spouses are often living and breathing the affair every waking moment.
How to avoid making triggering events defining moments
Even if unfaithful spouses don’t fully understand why their partners are still having hurtful flashbacks, it is essential to respond in supportive ways when setbacks occur. Impatience, judgment, and criticism only make matters worse. Betrayed spouses feel misunderstood, angry, hurt, and alone.
If a marriage is to survive and thrive following betrayal, there must be teamwork, even when it is difficult. Compassion, empathy, and nurturance are what’s needed, not condemnation.
Sometimes, unfaithful spouses simply don’t know what to say or do to comfort their triggered spouses. Although no two betrayed spouses are exactly alike, I have found that the following approaches, when followed consistently, work for many couples:
- Remain calm
- Don’t become defensive
- Answer questions openly and honestly
- Express regret and remorse for having hurt your spouse
- Bear witness to and validate feelings
- Remember, there is no such thing as too many apologies
The early stages of recovery, when triggers are constant, are often the most difficult part of healing after an affair. This is when many couples lose hope, because it feels like nothing is working. But that’s exactly when the work matters most. When couples learn how to respond to triggers in new ways, even small changes begin to add up. Over time, those painful moments lose their grip—making it possible not just to survive infidelity, but to build a stronger, more connected marriage.
If this is where you are right now, it’s not a sign that your relationship can’t recover—it’s a sign that you’re in one of the most difficult phases of the process.
