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He’s Just Not That Into You, the bestselling self-help book of 2004, explained to straight women on the dating scene that they should not pursue men who lied, cheated, or avoided them. These men were not purposely sending mixed signals. They were simply not interested.
It sounds obvious. If someone treats you poorly, they probably don’t value the relationship.
But the women who needed this book were navigating complicated relationship dynamics, like dating partners who assured them everything was fine while failing to show up for a date. In response, the women would try harder to shore up the relationship.
In their research paper on the psychological effects of social exclusion, Freedman et al. referred to this as “ambiguous rejection.” When receiving an ambiguous rejection—as opposed to a direct “no”—people tend to feel confused and hurt. They may ruminate over the interaction, and take actions that keep hope alive, like trying to please the person who rejected them.
Freedman et al. use the analogy of stepping into a pool of cold water. Explicit rejection is a quick but painful cannonball into the pool. Ambiguous rejection is entering the pool, taking a few steps up the stairs, going back down again—it’s also painful, but slow and drawn-out.
I learned this lesson about rejection early in my career as a lawyer. Instead of telling a client their plan was dubious, I explained that pursuing it would require an onerous multi-step legal process. I hoped they would consider this and abandon the plan, but instead they kept coming back with increasingly complicated ideas to navigate the legal process. Finally, I told them none of the ideas seemed feasible and they should consider alternatives to their plan.
The client asked, “Are you saying no?”
I said, “I have trouble seeing a way forward.”
The client said they would take that as a no.
Within a few days, they came back with a much better and simpler plan. Getting a “no” rather than a “maybe, but…” allowed them to move on instead of ruminating over the same ideas that weren’t working. I could have saved them two weeks of work by being more explicit upfront.
A direct “no” can be a gift to the recipient. It can free them from spending their time and energy wondering what you meant and what they should do. They can accept it and move on.
