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It doesn’t feel good to be snubbed. To be snubbed is to be rejected. It means being overlooked or dismissed.
But there’s a new kind of snubbing to worry about, a distinctly modern snub. It’s called phubbing, and it means phone snubbing.
I think we’ve all experienced that uncomfortable moment when we’re midsentence and look up to see the person we were talking to engrossed in their phone. If we’re honest, we’ve all probably been guilty of phubbing someone else.
It may seem obvious to say that phubbing is annoying and frustrating, but now we have some empirical evidence to confirm just how bad a social move it is.
Research on Phubbing
Researchers at the University of Southampton performed a study where almost 200 participants wrote in a journal for 10 days, documenting their phubbing experiences (Carnelley et al. 2025). The study was focused on determining how phubbing impacted anxiously attached people in their relationships and found that people with anxious attachment were more prone to depression, resentment, and lower self-esteem.
Anxiously attached partners were also more prone to retaliate and seek validation elsewhere once phubbed.
Now, the study didn’t show that phubbing deteriorated relationship satisfaction, but let’s look to other famous relationship research to see what happens when partners repeatedly miss their significant other’s bids for connection.
Bids for Connection
John and Julie Schwartz Gottman’s famous research predicted which couples were more likely to get divorced by how many bids for connection they responded to. A bid for connection can be as simple as asking about the weather, giving a compliment, or holding your arms out for a hug. The more partners responded to bids, the higher their chances of staying together. Fewer picked-up bids meant a higher chance of divorce.
Phubbing and Missed Bids for Connection
The study by Carnelley et al. may not have shown that 10 days of being phubbed decreased relationship satisfaction, but phubbing still means partners are missing out on connection. They’re missing those bids for connections that keep couples together long term.
So what are some things you can do to not fall victim to phubbing?
How to Cut Back on Phubbing
1. Set limits: The first thing you can do to reduce phubbing is to set limits on your phone usage. Set some rules. No phones at the dinner table, in the bedroom, or between certain hours.
The more you can reduce your screentime, the less chances you’ll phub someone you care about.
2. Be clear: Another thing you can do to cut some of the sting out of phubbing is to explain why you’re on your phone and when you’ll be able to give the other person your undivided attention again.
“I have to respond to two work emails. As soon as I’m done, I’ll put my phone away and be able to hear what you have to say.”
Some of the hurt of being phubbed comes from not knowing what the other person is doing on their phone. The uncertainty can make our imaginations run wild and exacerbate the sting of being snubbed by a device.
Take Advantage of Opportunities to Connect
Whether you’re snubbing or phubbing or not picking up on your partner’s bids for connections, you’re missing opportunities to strengthen your relationship and connect.
Phubbing may be a 21st-century problem, but being snubbed and ignored are timeless problems that erode our confidence in our relationships. Phubbing communicates that whatever you’re doing on your phone is more important than the people in front of your face, and I know that’s not the message most of you want to be sending to your loved ones.
