970x125
First of all, any advice on this matter should come with a warning label that says, “not guaranteed to work.” These tips might help, and they usually do help, but there is such an unavoidable emotional intensity that comes with the territory of relationship breakups that there may be no way to manage it just right.
The attachment of intimate relationships gets a hold of us like nothing else. And it is important to understand that your partner may feel like a life anchor has been yanked away from them and that the ship will never be righted again.
With that warning, here are some tips that increase the likelihood of success. Everything on this list applies to both men and women, whether they are gay, straight, or non-binary.
1. In most relationships, nobody wants to be the bad guy who ended it. But you must resist the tendency to engineer the break-up by making your partner so miserable they finally want to break up with you—just so you don’t have to take responsibility for this decision. This behavior is cowardly and simply cruel.
2. Instead, be direct. Don’t let your fear or conflict avoidance lead you into saying things like “Well, maybe we should just take a break for a little while because I am so busy,” when you really mean to say, “This isn’t easy, but I have really decided that this relationship is not going to work out for me.” You must have faith that the other person is a big girl or big boy and that they can handle the truth.
3. But be respectful, which means don’t be any colder or meaner than you absolutely have to be. You don’t have to list all the other person’s personal faults, even if this would mean being really “honest.” That kind of honesty is overrated. The only honesty you owe them is to be clear about where you are and what they can expect from you.
4. Don’t use the George Costanza line from Seinfeld: “It’s not you, it’s me.” Too many people have seen that episode, and hearing that will feel manipulative and insulting.
5. Everything you say or do should be governed by the belief that, one way or another, at some point, your partner will be able to handle this. Resist your conflict-avoidance: conflict-avoidance communicates, directly or indirectly, that you do not trust the ego strength of your partner. This is not respectful.
6. Be clear about what you hope for after this breakup. If you really want to try and stay friends, tell them—but if it’s just a line and you don’t really mean it, don’t fake it. It is disrespectful, and you will regret it later.
7. If your ex stays “clingy” after the breakup, be firm and respectful. The worst mistake in these situations is for you to keep having more and more contact, hoping that this will make your ex feel better. Often, this just feeds the fantasy that the relationship will be resumed. You may just need to tell your ex that you want them to stop calling you or texting you because you don’t think it is healthy for either of you. But do this without rage, blame, or put-downs. It’s tricky.
8. In the rare situations where this reaches a level of true stalking (aka “obsessional following behavior”), it is time to pull out all the stops. Never respond. Get a restraining order. Inform your friends or workplace not to allow him access to you or information about you. Call the police if necessary.
Through all this, remember the golden rule. And remember that this is a person whom you have loved once, may still really care about, and upon whom you do not wish to inflict any more harm than is absolutely necessary or inevitably comes with the territory of an unwanted break-up. The golden rule will guide you in your decision-making about being clear, direct, respectful, caring, and firm.
Relationships Essential Reads
And never forget: karma is a bitch. So handle this with class and integrity.
