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All relationships, whether romantic, social, sexual, financial, or otherwise, are transactional. The transactional nature of relationships can lead to myriad dynamics; some can be especially supportive, while others are roundly destructive, and still others are somewhere in the gray.
We Get What We Give
There is a notion in psychology termed “narcissistic source.” Recently, narcissism has garnered a definitively negative connotation, but undistorted narcissism is simply self-interest. “Undistorted narcissism” is meant to imply that same original definition of narcissism, which is the transactional aspect of relationship. We give something to another entity, whether it be a person, a group, or an organization, and have an expectation of something similar, or the same, in return. These are simple social dynamics.
This kind of social transaction is at the very heart of cooperative codependence, which might also be termed interdependence, and collaboration, in a relationship. While this dynamic is not—and likely will never be—100% in balance, it is at the core of social transaction and relationship, and how we can speak about resonance in relationship. It’s when things get out of balance that the darker aspects of relationship, and individual behavior, begin to emerge.
Narcissistic Supply
When narcissistic source turns the corner into narcissistic supply, it steers away from the transactional, becoming much more one-sided. Narcissistic supply is not narcissism per se, as it is self-contained, and essentially feeds the actor. Narcissism is about power, control, dominance, and ego-imposition. Narcissistic supply is a distortion of narcissistic source; it’s about getting something to feed the sense of self-importance and ego associated with the construct of narcissism, while not involving others, except to draw upon our perception of their adoration.
Social media is a petri dish for narcissistic supply. The social media landscape is a pseudo-social environment where an individual can benignly put themselves on display with commentary, opinion, conjecture, and criticism only in order to get almost immediate validation, for good or ill, from people with whom they have no real relationship. It’s like a drug for the ego, feeding a festering need, sometimes referred to as “social proof.”
This dynamic is not confined to social media, although social media is an environment rife with opportunity for a person to feed—and be fed—in this fashion. Consequently, it becomes an inevitable focus of attention for the conversation, but it must not be mistaken as the sole focus. The sources of narcissistic supply are myriad, ranging from participation trophies to pay raises to “bro” culture.
Finding Balance
We all want to be loved. In the best of all possible worlds, this experience of love and relationship, whether romantic, or simply social, is carried by narcissistic source—a healthy, transactional relationship with us and someone, or something, outside of us. On the other, somewhat darker, hand, this transaction can bleed us, while feeding the other, much, and most often, to our peril.
Finding and maintaining balance in this is about self-regulation; whether we are on the light side of things, or the dark, it comes down to being mindful of our context, as well as our behavior, and managing it appropriately. If you’re going to act out, know you’re acting out. If you’re going to act in, then know you’re acting in. If you’re going to be neutral, know that, as well.
This is where things get complicated, and simultaneously present a platform for growth. If the abuser understands they are being abusive and the abused understand they are being abused, we get to identify and define collusion. In this, we find the opportunity to set limits and boundaries around the transaction.
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Collusion, no matter how deep a distortion of cooperative codependence or cooperative co-existence, can be transformed. This is not to say abusers and abused should maintain their relationship, whatever it is, but an awareness of that dynamic can be forwarded, in the moment, or in the future, creating a reframe and, ultimately, a healthier state of relationship.
© 2026 Michael J. Formica, All Rights Reserved.
