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Gray divorce refers to marriages that end after age 50. Currently, 36% of U.S. adults getting divorced are 50 or older.
Kathleen, 60, has been divorced for nine years and struggles with loneliness, lingering sadness, and mild depression. As I watched her interact with my therapy dog, Friede, I noticed she seemed more energized, and her mood was more positive than in our previous sessions. She even giggled when Friede entertained us briefly with her zoomies before we began.
“Can you believe that this isn’t the first time I have smiled since we met in our last session?” she asked me.
“I believe it. What’s your smile about?”
“I did what I said I would do,” she said. “I made a list of ways I can begin to implement the number-one recommendation on the handout you gave me — investing in my relationships with my friends and family. By the way, that was a very helpful handout, although it was painful for me to read.”
I asked her why it was painful and she replied, “As an introvert, it was challenging for me. You know my relationships with my kids are strained, and except for my kids, I have no living family. I felt the heaviness of my aloneness, and it hit me hard.” Kathleen paused as the words caught in her throat, and tears gently slid down her cheeks. “So I focused on Philip, the nice man I’ve been seeing for the past two years, and my friends, Gail and Marybeth, who’ve been my friends for years. They’ve all been very supportive of me while I’ve been feeling so down.” She paused and took several slow, deep breaths.
“Your connections with Phillip, Gail, and MaryBeth are deep, aren’t they?” I asked.
Kathleen closed her eyes, sighed, and replied slowly, emphasizing each word: “Yes. They – truly – are – deep – connections.” For a minute or so, she stared at the bookshelf across the room. Then she continued. “I never thought about it until you said it. They really are deep connections. It’s comforting to think of it that way, and I don’t feel so alone.”
“When we are in emotional pain and feeling such loss as you have been feeling about how your former husband, his wife, and your children have treated you,” I said, “it’s easy to focus only on what’s missing rather than what we have.”
“Yes, that’s exactly what I have been doing. I was focusing on my losses rather than my connections with those who were there for me. I need to let that sink in for a minute.” Kathleen sat in silence as she scratched Friede’s head and ears. “I talked with each of them separately and told them that I realized I had been keeping them at a distance because I was hurting so much about how my ex, his wife, and especially my kids were treating me.”
“We humans try to protect ourselves from pain like the pain you’ve been feeling,” I said. “Deep pain like that can make us avoid being vulnerable to being hurt by others. The word vulnerable comes from the Latin word for to wound. So, we are avoiding allowing others to wound us.
“Protecting ourselves from emotional pain is a natural reaction. It’s part of our survival instinct.”
Kathleen fell silent and closed her eyes for a couple of minutes. Friede snuggled closer to her. After taking another long, deep breath, she continued: “Last Sunday, I continued my work in investing in my relationships with my friends. I made brunch and invited the three of them to my place. I thanked them for being there for me for so long, and I showed them the handout you gave me.
“We discussed the second recommendation — about joining a club or community to share what we care about — and we decided to combine the two recommendations and become a team! We have been volunteering at our local literacy outreach program.”
“Wow! You certainly dived into the recommendations! In our last session, you said that you were sad, although you didn’t think you were clinically depressed. What do you think now?”
“Well,” she told me, “I am feeling more uplifted and connected with Phillip, Marybeth, and Gail. They continue to be so supportive, just as they were before. I guessed you would ask me why I’m feeling this way, and my answer is that I am the one who has changed. As I reflected on the handout, I thought, ‘I am the one who needs to change.’ So, I have been working on it, and they have dived in with me. I have opened myself up to really feeling our connection and doing my part to invest my time and care in them, and what we care about that is bigger than ourselves.”
Patient names and details changed to preserve confidentiality.
To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
Copyright 2026 Carol R. Hughes, Ph.D.
