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There is some talk among social media parenting influencers and “experts” that “counting down your kids” is a bad parenting strategy. As a clinical psychologist who conducted parenting studies throughout my doctoral degree, wrote a review paper on parenting strategies that has been cited over 1,000 times, and helps parents daily in my clinical practice, I can confidently say that counting down your kids is one of the best parenting strategies there is.
Counting down is when parents calmly and slowly count to five (or count backwards from 5 to 1) after they have given an instruction. If the child doesn’t listen before the parent gets to the last number, the parent gives a consequence for misbehavior. Initially, the consequence needs to be explicitly tied to the counting down. After the child learns how counting down works, parents can often just start counting when the child is misbehaving to change the child’s behavior. Decades of behavioral parenting research supports both (a) counting down kids as a way to warn of an upcoming consequence if kids don’t listen (e.g., 1-2-3 Magic) and (b) what counting can help parents achieve, which is non-repetitive instruction-giving followed by time for the child to comply and negative consequences for noncompliance (e.g., Triple P, The Incredible Years, The Kazdin Method).
I have heard parenting people say things like “counting down kids isn’t fair to kids” and “counting down erodes your parent-child connection.” These comments are unfounded and incorrect. In many cases, counting does the opposite. Counting aloud gives kids a warning about what’s coming, which is informative, and allows them to make an informed decision. Parents give kids a chance to make a good decision during the 5 second pause, which they can then praise. Oftentimes, a positive outcome occurs. This strengthens the parent-child bond rather than destroying it.
Several good things come from counting down kids, but five stand out. I hope that reading this will help you incorporate this effective strategy into your own parenting so you can experience the benefits.
5 Reasons Counting Down Your Kids Is a Great Parenting Strategy
1. Counting down gives kids a warning that a consequence will occur. Letting kids know what will happen if they don’t follow their parent’s instruction is fair. Counting gives kids a heads-up that if they choose not to listen, something they don’t like or don’t want is going to happen. That’s really fair. It’s a warning.
When parents don’t count or give their kids a warning, here’s what happens instead: The parent repeats themselves several times with no consequence for the kid not listening, and then the parent loses it and yells or immediately gives a consequence with no prior warning that the consequence would occur. This is confusing to kids. Here’s what kids experience: They get lots of chances to do what they want instead of listening to their parents, and then randomly, one time, the ax comes down and the parent blows up. It’s Russian roulette. What could be less fair to a kid? They weren’t given the option to think about listening or to know that their parent really meant it. Counting down lets kids know parents really meant that it’s time to comply with their direction.
2. Counting down gives kids time to consider their choices and to make a choice. This gives kids agency and autonomy. Kids have an opportunity to change course from not behaving to behaving. Parents can then respond positively instead of negatively. Kids’ brains are not developed enough to shift gears immediately, for the most part. Counting aloud gives them a few seconds to stop what they’re doing and start to comply. Once they’ve started complying, the problem is over. Counting down solves lots of potential parent-child conflict moments in five seconds or less.
3. Counting down gives parents something to do while their children are engaged in complying. Because kids need a few seconds to shift from not listening to following a parent’s instruction, counting down gives parents something to do that allows the child to comply. Observational parent research finds that when parents don’t count, they often repeat their instruction or their child’s name instead. This can be distracting for a child and can make it harder, not easier, for the child to comply. Again, what could be more unfair than asking a child to do something, then not really giving them a chance to do it, and then being upset when they didn’t do it?
4. Counting down keeps parents calm so children have a chance to behave. It is frustrating, as a parent, to have your child disobey or not follow an instruction. Doing something simple and concrete like counting helps parents stay centered, which can help moments of conflict end quickly. Try taking a slow, deep breath with each number you count to further regulate your nervous system and allow you to handle the situation calmly.
5. Counting down helps kids learn boundaries. When parents count to five and then follow through with consequences if kids don’t listen, kids learn that noncompliance leads to a consequence. What kids expect is what happens. This gives kids a feeling of security. When parents try to be “nice” and give kids lots of chances to listen, they teach kids that nothing happens if they don’t listen. Kids end up prioritizing their own desires over what their parent told them to do, which is understandable and developmentally appropriate. Parents end up feeling exhausted and disrespected. This is not a recipe for connection. Counting down teaches kids to listen and understand boundaries. Learning to respect boundaries fosters connection and helps kids develop into good humans.
