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The question of whether similar or dissimilar personality traits are a source of romantic attraction and marital satisfaction has been debated for years.
An extensive study by Horowitz et al. in Nature Human Behavior (2023) reports significant correlations between human partners based on systematic reviews and meta-analyses of 22 traits and UK Biobank analysis of 133 traits. Essentially, it finds that people connect based on similarity. Opposites don’t attract.
Consistent with this, the Similarity-Attraction Hypothesis seems to hold up across characteristics such as physical attractiveness, attachment style, political and religious attitudes, and level of education. It even holds up in terms of the attraction of thrill-seeking or sensation-seeking people to each other.
One thrill-seeking couple had their first date at an Amusement Park, where they rode a 325-foot roller coaster 12 times. They agreed when making wedding plans that the Fury 325 was the perfect place to say, “ I do,” so they did just that. Who knows how the wedding party coped!
Similarity-Attraction Hypothesis Over Time
While the initial benefit of Similarity-Attraction is clear, it does not seem to hold up over time.
A 2007 study reported in Psychology and Aging entitled “Birds of a Feather Don’t Always Fly Farthest” sheds some light on this (Shiota and Levenson, 2007).
Shiota and Levenson (2007) conducted one of the first studies to explicitly consider age as a potential moderator of the link between similarity and satisfaction. The authors were able to evaluate the “birds of a feather flock together” hypothesis, both for initial levels of relationship satisfaction and for predictions of marital satisfaction trajectories over time, for both middle-aged and older couples.
They examined similarity in the Big Five Personality Factors in couples across the years. These included:
The surprising finding is that, whereas similarity of personality traits resulted in more marital satisfaction in the early years, couples with similar traits reported less satisfaction in the middle and later years.
Reconsider and Use the Differences
Couples might consider that although they both have similarities, life brings with it physical, emotional, and lifestyle challenges that demand different skills, reactions, and experience. Calling upon their diverse skills and/or perspectives that were not needed or not apparent in the early years can give them an advantage in the later years, as they become a “complementary couple.”
Yes, they both love to travel, but one is far better than the other at setting up the trip; or one is calmer with the youngest grandchildren, while the other actually likes being with the teens. Both are anxious with money and medical decisions, but recognizing different strengths offers the benefit of two perspectives unfolding into a third and better one.
They are the same birds of a feather, but they are flying together to unexpected places in very different ways. Generally, when people are faced with unknowns, they get anxious, and when people get anxious, their dysregulation unfolds as anger. An alternative is to get curious and benefit from the differences you find in your partner.
Hang on with love. There is always another roller coaster ride. It’s different, but you can find a way to hang on together.
