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Maybe you want to change the washer in your kitchen faucet or learn to play the piano. Or maybe you want to learn to control your temper or stop procrastinating. Or maybe you’ve already known how to change the washer, but you became so frustrated when you tried to do it last weekend that you gave up. Or you’re always able to control your temper, but you found yourself overreacting to your supervisor’s question about your current workload.
The psychologist Rudolph Ekstein wrote in his seminal 1958 text on psychotherapy that you can divide problems into two types: One is what he called learning problems—problems that arise because you lack skills, like problems with the faucet, the piano, and even your temper and procrastination. The other is what he called problems about learning, where you already have the skills but your emotions sometimes override them—like when you experience frustration with the faucet, our struggle with your reaction to your supervisor’s comment. Deciding at the front end what type of problem you’re dealing with can go a long way toward determining how to approach it, providing a decision tree of sorts. Here are some questions to help you walk through the process:
Is my problem a matter of skill or emotional override?
Are you feeling stuck because you’re trying to do something you’ve never done, or because of a longstanding issue you’ve never conquered? Or is it a perfect storm, fueled by unexpected emotion? Do you need information or emotional regulation?
If the problem is about skills, how can you learn them?
You can look up YouTube videos on faucets or online piano lessons, check out a therapist, or listen to a podcast about anger management. Regardless of the medium, this is about moving forward by getting the information you need.
Are there any practical or emotional obstacles that could keep you from acquiring these skills?
You’ve done your research, but you realize you don’t have the tools to take apart the faucet or can’t afford a therapist. Or, on second thought, you realize your time to practice the piano is quite limited. Anticipating obstacles can help you build them into your expectations and next steps, or devise a Plan B.
If there’s an emotional override, what’s the trigger?
Why now, not yesterday? Maybe today you’re stressed from work, and the faucet is just another item on your to-do list you don’t have time for. Or, you hear your supervisor’s question as a subtle criticism or as micromanagement that, on a bad day like today, pushes your buttons.
What is the problem beneath the problem?
Maybe it’s not about the faucet but about the stress; not about the comment, but about the feelings of being criticized or micromanaged. Often, what we’re most sensitive to, our Achilles heel, is connected to old childhood wounds. The faucet is also about always taking on too much and feeling burdened, or about being self-critical and pushing yourself to do more, never say no, or do it perfectly.
Or, maybe you’re sensitive to criticism or micromanaging because you grew up with them. Though you’ve learned to separate the past from the present, on a bad day these old wounds get triggered—good to know.
First aid: Take a moment to calm yourself
The problem on the floor right now is your emotions. Take time to self-regulate. This is where skills and overrides come together. If you have ways to calm yourself—deep breathing, distraction, mindfulness, or a short walk or other light exercise—now is the time to do it.
If not, it’s time to go back to the skills section and acquire skills to add to your emotional toolbox.
Put your emotional wounds to rest
The moral of the story is to put these old reactions to rest so they are less disruptive. Here, you shift from your childlike emotional brain to your rational brain; you do what you couldn’t do as a child. You talk to your supervisor about your workload and stress; you talk to your boss about whether she has any concerns about your work; you look into therapy to help you put these triggers to rest, or consider medication to help you lower your overall emotional temperature.
Solving both types of problems
The steps here are clear: If your problem is about skills, take action to learn them, but build anticipated obstacles into your plan. If it is about emotional overrides, drill down: Identify your triggers, diagnose the underlying problem, and, ideally, if it continues to plague you, take steps to put them to rest.
If you know the type of problem you’re facing, you’re halfway to solving it.
