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Understandably, twin closeness and identity that starts to develop at conception in the mother’s womb continues differently at birth and as twins mature. Because twins can be and are separated gradually, twins develop a sense that they are two people. Twin closeness often leads to over-identification. By this, I mean they psychologically believe that they are emotionally a part of their twin. Especially in early childhood, when one twin cries, the other twin also cries. I have observed the merger of twin personalities many times. Obviously, believing they are merged is an unconscious and conscious way of thinking that creates serious identity confusion between the twin pair. Parents and other close friends and family experience over-identification that grows and develops over time; this includes pressure from the twin pair’s internal and external worlds.
Normal twin identity confusion over “what belongs to which twin” and “who caused the present problem” are always subject to each twin’s personal belief. More often than not, there is no agreement about who created the catastrophe. Almost any problem, from “who let the dog run wild in the street,” to “who ate our favorite cookies,” can be argued over and over again with amazing intensity. Over-identification creates twin fighting and confusion for those who are around. Twin confusion is hard for everyone involved. Unfortunately, it is not unusual for twins to misapprehend that they are over-identified with their twin. In addition, Twin A, who ate the cookies, wants Twin B to confess that she was the one who ate the cookies or admit she let the dog run loose, even if she is sure that her sister is or is not responsible for these unfortunate events. A clear-eyed outsider can see that their unsolvable fighting is related to identity confusion. Said differently, “Who is who?” And “What belongs to Twin A or Twin B?”
With very strong beliefs, Mom supports Twin A, and Dad supports Twin B. Grandparents, relatives, and neighbors all have different opinions. Why is the cookie’s absence or disappearance so important? It is really hard to figure out and then decide who is really guilty. For example, in high school, my twin and I would fool around and miss the school bus. To add insult to injury, we would spend our bus money on cookies at Canter’s, our favorite bakery in West Hollywood. We had no money for the bus and could not get home; we had to call our mother and ask her to leave work and pick us up. Mom came and asked us to pay attention to the bus schedule. We were both fooling around, and both were guilty. I don’t remember how this incident was resolved.
Who is responsible for correcting the misunderstanding between twins when it becomes an ongoing problem? For example, “You are stealing my new friend Sherry,” Twin A complains. Twin B dramatically insists, “Sherry was my friend first.” Neither twin gives in. Even the well-known twin therapists I know and work with cannot solve this problem. Arguing over what belongs to which twin never seems to end. I chuckle about the absurdity of it, but still know that it is an important identity issue for twins. For sure, when our favorite cookies were missing, it was an international issue for my sister and me, leading to angry criticism and accusations.
The missing cookies became even more of an issue, as it was believed but not stated (unspoken belief) that the twin thief had a character flaw that must be revealed and eliminated. Just buying more cookies would not solve the problem of the misbegotten personality and behavior of the overeating cookie thief twin.
How do you solve the “What is going on here?” problem that permeates the lives of twins and their families? I say calmly and with fortitude that the truth will reveal itself. When a decision is made, it has to be respected and acknowledged. Blaming and criticizing usually make the problems worse.
Here are some suggestions to help you figure out what is going on with the wild dog and missing cookies.
1. Understand what started the argument.
2. Ask, “Did the dog miss his walk?”
3. Have there been a lot of strangers in the house that overstimulated your dog and frightened him?
4. Did your dog not get fed because everyone was too busy to remember when he got lunch?
5. Does your dog have a friend or neighbor up the street who always feeds him?
These questions and answers may help you understand why your dog ran away. While both twins will argue about their perfectly right decision about what happened and why, the person in charge will have to decide what to do about these understandable problems (if they are understandable). At least you will have some reliable information to go on.
As to the cookie theft, food snatching is so common; don’t put out cookies randomly. While each twin will think they know what happened, they may be covering up their misdeed. The closeness of the twin relationship makes it easy for twins to trick their co-twin for their own benefit. Whose fault is this tricky behavior? That is a hard question to answer with certainty. For reasons of closeness related to twinship, it is very difficult to get a truthful response.
Understanding Twins Essential Reads
Advice to Eliminate Confusing or Dishonest Behavior
1. Talk to your twin children about how twin closeness makes it easier to get your own way in a debated situation, such as who let the dog out to run up and down the street. Both twins know each other’s weak points and can undermine their twin’s explanations.
2. Avoid solving confusing problems with your own twin. You probably need good help.
