The Friendship Imbalance No One Talks About

A chalant friend is one who reaches out, checks in, and plans hang-outs. They’re reliable, intentional, and often a little resentful that their friendships are one-sided.

When I did a speaking event recently, I heard chalant friends express righteous ire. They felt disregarded, taken for granted, and angry at the idea that they had to endlessly give grace to their more passive friends when they had been doing all the work. Some had withdrawn altogether, transforming into nonchalant friends.

To my chalant friends. I see you for the effort you make in friendships. I know you might feel resentful and unloved, but the effort you make is a revolutionary act in a world of loneliness and it means more than you know to the people around you. For example, one study found that new acquaintances are most satisfied in relationships with people who initiate more. It was the single most important factor—more important than disclosure, or social support, for example—that made acquaintances feel more satisfied in the friendship. People love what you do, even if they don’t reciprocate.

But that doesn’t change the resentment and hurt you might feel. If you are feeling that way, here are some of my best tips for working through those feelings:

Mindset Shifts for the Chalant Friend

1. Discrepancy in intentionality does not mean a discrepancy in love: Once, my friend Zaria (a nonchalant friend) and I (chalant friend) were traveling together, and she had been late for some dinner reservations. We were taking a taxi to the reservation together, so this meant I was late too. I was getting frustrated and feeling disregarded. We talked it out and had a conversation about our general differences around time. Zaria shared that she doesn’t like to feel rushed, especially on vacation, because she really enjoys feeling present in the moment she’s in. That was a breakthrough moment for me. Her being late wasn’t her disrespecting me as much as it was her finding a way to feel more alive, something I want for my friend.
2. Don’t take it so personally: I know this advice kind of sucks. It sucks to not only feel a bit neglected by others but also to have someone invalidate how bad that feels by telling you that you shouldn’t feel the way that you do. But one thing I’ve learned is that how people treat you is much more about who they are than about who you are. Take a moment to imagine: What if you didn’t perceive your friends’ actions as a reflection of your own worth or value? Then how would you feel?
3. Recognize love in a different form: Maybe your friend isn’t loving you the way you love them. They don’t text to check in or send you a gift on your birthday. But, they may be a good listener, express appreciation, or you may have great conversations. That matters too. Acknowledge love in different forms.

If those mindset shifts don’t help, you might have to take some actions:

1. Create friendship structures: If you automatically have a date to hang out on the calendar every month, then no one has to reach out (or feel resentful about it). How can you outsource the planning and logistics? Maybe you and your friends can watch a show together each week, or take a class together.
2. Voice your needs: The nonchalant friend is often oblivious rather than malicious. They don’t necessarily clock how much effort and intentionality you put into keeping up the friendship—to them, it’s all just happening. You can say to your friend, “I really enjoy spending time with you, but I’m noticing I’m the one reaching out. I’d feel so loved if you’d be open to reaching out more.”
3. Wait: Perhaps it’s not that your friend will never reach out; it just takes them more time to get around to it. You might want to be in touch monthly, and they want to be in touch quarterly. If you’ve voiced your needs, give them a little more time and see if effort balances out.
4. Then, stop “taking the L”: Let’s say you tried mindset shifts, you’ve voiced your needs, and nothing has changed. You still feel bitter and resentful. You may be hurt by the imbalance in the friendship, but ultimately resigned, telling yourself, “I’ll just do it; I’ll just reach out,” even if doing it is making you feel resentful. The more resentment you welcome into the friendship, the closer you get to abandoning it altogether. It’s an act of kindness for yourself and your friends for you to stop burning yourself out and disregarding your needs in an asymmetrical friendship.

Your final option is to recalibrate your friendships:

1. Prioritize friends who meet your needs: I’m not a fan of telling people to give grace when doing so is making them feel neglected and resentful. But one genuine way to increase your capacity to give more grace to others is to get your needs met elsewhere. If you do focus on friends who are as conscientious and engaged as you are, you’ll be a better friend to those who are not.
2. Find the distance that creates the most intimacy: Maybe if a friend can’t fulfill your need for reciprocity, and that need is really important to you, you can still be friends but at the right level of intimacy. This can be hard, because often when we really like people, we want to be close to them. But (hot take) when deciding who to get close to, prioritize people who fulfill your needs over those who you simply like. You can invest the most time in the friends who invest in you.

And for Nonchalant Friends:

1. Stop judging yourself. The more you think, “I’m a failure,” the more you will disengage.
2. Deconstruct why you don’t reach out: You’re not burdening or bothering people. You think that if people don’t reach out to you, they don’t want to hear from you. But just as you like it when your friends reach out, perhaps they like it too.
3. Become more aware of the effort your friends make: Friendships aren’t maintained magically; someone has to be intentional. And if you haven’t been, it’s likely been on your other friends.