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One of the most common causes of tension between divorced or separated parents is, not to many people’s surprise, money. The arguments often center on one spouse saying they don’t have enough, the other saying they’re paying too much, and disagreements about what the money they do have should be spent on and by whom, the latter being a particularly hot topic between parents.
Such hostility doesn’t live in a vacuum and can reverberate throughout entire families, negatively impacting the relationship between the co-parents, their relationships with their children, and potentially their relationships with extended family. Moreover, what often accompanies frequent arguing is emotional stress that manifests physically.
The worst part? Arguments over financial decisions don’t usually lead to resolution but instead to stalemates that could require judicial intervention, which cost more money — money that could have been spent on whatever the parents were fighting about in the first place. If this dynamic sounds familiar to you and you want to stop the unproductive, destructive conversations, here are my suggestions, based on my years as a family law attorney and guardian ad litem, for how to do so.
Stick to the Numbers, Not the History
The great thing about numbers is that they don’t lie. When you refer only to the numbers, not to the history between you and your ex or how you might have arrived at those numbers, you can begin living in the here and now, not the past you both shared. This leaves you in a position to address the issues at hand without the emotional turmoil that clouds intentions and decision-making.
If you don’t have the numbers to back up what you’re fighting for, gather them as best you can so they can speak for you. Request that your ex do the same, so you can understand their position. Depending on where you are in the divorce process, that may mean seeking support from a family law attorney, possibly along with a financial professional.
Work Out the Children’s Expenses
Once you legally separate and begin the divorce process, you and your ex’s respective lawyers (or the court) will typically create a temporary court order that outlines how you and your ex will manage and allocate the children’s expenses until your divorce becomes final. The final arrangement may be the same as your temporary order or may change later based on circumstances that arise after it is created. It’s very important that you follow the temporary order, as it is a legally binding document and courts will not look favorably upon those who violate it.
Keep Communication Short, Clear, and Documented
Any conversations between you and your ex around money, including your plan, should be in writing. If they are oral, it’s still wise to document those conversations, detailing the circumstances leading up to them, the date, what you and your ex discussed, and what happened afterward.
Quick fingers when it comes to texting? Consider emailing, which tends to slow people down somewhat because of its more formal nature, or, even better, using one of the family court-preferred divorce apps that support record-keeping, communication, and transparency between co-parents.
Bring in a Neutral Party When You and Your Ex Can’t Agree
Regardless of where you are in your divorce journey, whether you are first embarking on it or are post-divorce, there is divorce support available to you. Circumstances around finances, such as job loss, unexpected expenses, or the introduction of a new significant other into the mix, can all affect an ex’s sudden ability or willingness to pay, even if they’ve agreed to a plan.
Should such a situation arise, it’s not the time to take matters into your own hands. Continue with your record-keeping and consider bringing in a neutral third party. Bringing in a third party does not have to escalate into involving a judge to resolve matters.
Instead of making a court appearance your first option, you and your ex (if they are willing) can turn to a mediator for help in resolving disputes around your order, issues that may have arisen, and the possibility for modification. In some instances, the court requires the parties to attempt mediation before resorting to court action. Any permanent changes would have to be made in writing. If mediation fails, you and your lawyer can discuss going (or returning) to court to resolve matters.
Leave Your Kids Out of Discussions About Money
One of the easiest yet most important ways to reduce tension around financial decisions is to leave your children out of them. It should be obvious that young children won’t understand complicated financial dynamics, but what they will hear is that Mommy or Daddy won’t pay for ballet class or summer camp without understanding why. These are the words that damage parent-child relationships.
No matter how you feel about your ex, their decision-making, and whether they are, in fact, breaching your agreement simply because they don’t want to follow it, your children should be left out of the fray. That applies to all children, even the ones who are old enough, such as teenagers or young adults, who appear to “get it.” Because it’s personal, they won’t. They can’t.
The good and bad news is that money disputes are often temporary, especially when addressed promptly. However, feelings about finances are much like interest and can compound quickly — leaving you, your ex, and your children to pay a price that could never be quantified with a dollar amount.
