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Consider which of the following you experience the most in an average day:
Interest, curiosity, enjoyment, appreciation, compassion, love…
Or:
Resentment, anger, disdain, disgust, distraction, anxiety, obsessions, boredom….
The first series of emotions carry approach motivations; we want more of what stirs them. Approach motivations are incompatible with avoid motivations, in which we want less of something or someone. Approach motivations are the opposite of attack motivations, in which we perceive threats, usually to the ego.
Whichever emotion we experience the most intensely and frequently becomes habit, the default emotional state. On autopilot, something unusual must happen to switch from avoid and attack to approach.
Avoid and attack motivations usually win out because they don’t require an open mind and an open heart. When that is the case, we must deliberately open our hearts and minds. This takes more than slowing down to smell the roses. We must incorporate the scent of the roses into our routines.
By the time we’re adults, most of our feelings are conditioned responses; we automatically feel the same way in the same circumstances and physiological states. In addition, my current feeling loads into implicit memory the other times I felt this way, and I am apt to behave now the way I behaved then. To the extent that feelings are habituated, they are about the past.
To change a prevailing conditioned response requires practice of new associations, so that avoid and attack motivations automatically stimulate approach motivations.
Validate and Declare
Here is the formula I use for myself and my clients to make feelings work for the present and future, rather than attempting to make the present and future fit into the past:
Validate the feeling + Declare how you want to feel.
For example:
“I feel resentment for my wife + I want to feel compassion for her.”
With this declaration, my brain loads into implicit memory the other times I felt compassion for my wife, which feels better than resentment. Negotiation about behavior change will achieve more with compassionate assertiveness, which elicits cooperation. In contrast, resentment demands submission and stirs resistance.
More examples:
“I feel bored + I want to feel interested.”
This will load into implicit memory other times I felt interested in my wife, which entailed focus, curiosity, and appreciation. Novelty stimulates autopilot interest, but it doesn’t last. It takes deliberate focus, curiosity, and appreciation to sustain interest.
“I feel irritable + I want to feel enjoyment.”
This will load into implicit memory other times I felt enjoyment, with my mind and heart open.
“I feel anxious + I want to feel calm.”
This will load into implicit memory other times I felt calm. At those times I assessed the relative importance and likelihood of what made me anxious and knew that I would cope with whatever worried me.
“I feel down + I want to appreciate.”
This will load into implicit memory other times I appreciated something or someone. Self-value depends on interest, enjoyment, appreciation, and compassion.
Choosing to open our hearts and minds is a gift that keeps on giving.
