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Sarah had been low contact with her mother for the past few months and was approaching her first Mother’s Day.
“I mailed a card and scheduled a text message to be sent on Sunday,” she said. “But why do I still feel guilty? Like I should be doing something more?”
“What more do you think you could do?” I asked.
“I don’t know,” she said. “Anything more just drains me emotionally. It reminds me of all the birthdays and holidays and graduations she ruined. I spent years ignoring those things and turning the other cheek just to save face for the rest of the family. I had to pretend she wasn’t doing those things because I had no one safe to turn to.”
“Now, as an adult with my own children, I finally have the safety and strength to recognize what happened. I know I cannot safely spend Mother’s Day with her. I just can’t.”
“So I think you have your answer,” I said gently. “I think you have done all that you can do. Anything more would mean abandoning yourself in order to maintain a relationship that does not feel emotionally safe.”
Family-centered holidays can feel overwhelming after abuse or estrangement
Sarah is not alone.
Many people struggle with days like Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, birthdays, and other family-centered holidays. These days can feel especially painful because society sends constant messages about what families are supposed to look like. We are told we should be together. We should be celebrating. We should be buying flowers, going out to brunch, posting smiling family photos, or gathering around a grill together. And we should all be smiling and getting along while doing this.
But some people simply cannot do that safely.
This is especially true for individuals whose parents have been emotionally, psychologically, or physically abusive. Many of my clients are low contact or no contact with parents who harmed them throughout their lives. For some, distance only became possible once they had children of their own and realized they needed to protect them. For others, it came after years of therapy, healing, and finally feeling safe enough to honor their own experiences instead of minimizing them. Others finally felt safe enough to acknowledge and admit to abuse once they were no longer financially tied to those who harmed them. For many people, acknowledgment is a crucial part of healing. And for some, that acknowledgment also brings the realization that they need distance, whether through limited contact, low contact, or full estrangement.
Holidays can reinforce guilt and isolation, but holding two truths at once can help
Acknowledgment and healing do not magically erase the guilt of what we should be doing.
You cannot walk into a grocery store this time of year without seeing reminders to buy flowers for Mother’s Day. Restaurants fill with families celebrating mothers and grandmothers. Social media becomes saturated with friends and colleagues posting family pictures with messages about closeness and family togetherness.
For those navigating estrangement, this can feel deeply isolating.
If you can relate to this, I want you to practice one thing this weekend: holding two truths at once.
We can acknowledge that Mother’s Day is meaningful for many people. We can recognize that many mothers sacrificed greatly, struggled with their own trauma, or were trying to survive with limited emotional tools and support. We can hold compassion for the pain or limitations that may have shaped them, and, in turn, trickled down to us.
And at the same time, we can recognize that understanding someone’s pain does not require sacrificing our own safety or well-being.
You are allowed to acknowledge the complexity of your parent’s story while also recognizing the impact their behavior had on you. You are allowed to love someone and still need distance from them. You are allowed to choose peace over performance. Having understanding and empathy does not obligate self-abandonment or denial of your own needs.
Take care of yourself in whatever way you need to this weekend. For some people, that may mean celebrating. For others, it may mean grieving. And for some, it may simply mean protecting their own peace, whatever that may look like.
