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Walter was distraught. He had spent the morning at his son Jake’s sixth-grade fall conferences. He was trying his best to understand his son’s less-than-average performance in math, English and social studies. It sounded like Jake’s teachers were making excuses for his son when they spoke of his inattention and disorganization. For Walter, this meant his son was a loser, just lazy and distracted by childish interests. Yet at the same time, he couldn’t help but remember his father’s talks with him about his own poor performance in school. He had always promised that he would never do the same to his son—blame and humiliate him. Yet here he was with the very same thoughts and feelings swirling around his head. Walter was confused, even angry. He knew that wasn’t going to be very helpful to Jake.
Thinking through what he could say to Jake, Walter was grateful that he could talk it over with his wife, Marcia. She had been a very good student and did well in school. She didn’t have the same feelings. As she had listened, together with Walter, she understood what the teachers explained very differently. She recognized that Jake had organizational and focus issues that were getting in his way in spite of the efforts he made. Interestingly, Jake reminded her of her younger brother who had similar learning problems in school. She found herself thinking about how her parents had supported Sam and how well all of their care really helped him become a more successful student.
But what could be done for Jake? Why did she and Walter hear things so differently, and more importantly what could they do together to help?
In our clinical experience with families like Jake’s, we have found that the problem often is not simply the child’s learning issues. These can be addressed with good educational planning. Beginning with a neuropsychological evaluation of Jake’s learning style, the issues that impact his efforts to learn can be brought to the foreground and plans for remediation can be developed and implemented by the school team.
But an underlying key issue that supports or diminishes the success of the school team’s educational interventions resides with Jake’s parents. Their attitudes and behaviors color the support they can offer him. Only by becoming clear about what personal thoughts and feelings are touched off by Jake’s struggles can they identify, process and manage their own responses in ways most productive for Jake’s care. Walter knew he was angry, but it took some work to get a handle on exactly why and what was underneath his feelings to be able to manage them to better serve Jake.
Guidelines for Parents
Talk to each other
First, as Walter and Marcia did, it is important for parents to talk with each other, sharing their feelings and viewpoints about their child’s school progress. Where are their points of agreement or disagreement? Together, try to root out unsupportive ideas and attitudes. Talk through any fears and anxieties you might have about your child. Include your memories of your own school experiences or those close to you, such as siblings, nephews or nieces. How were you or they supported or undermined by parental responses?
Make a plan
Develop a plan, with the help of professionals you trust—a plan that you feel you can implement with your child. Speak to your child’s teacher or educational team. Ask for their professional advice and follow their plan and recommendations. If a neuropsychological evaluation is recommended, as it often is, follow up as soon as possible. Ask any questions you have about what such an evaluation entails. You want to be able to answer any questions your child may have about it. Make sure to let the teachers know you appreciate their observations and help.
Consider how to approach your child
Think about how you can best talk this through with your child. Low grades indicate learning issues that need to be addressed. Before sitting down with your child, make sure you have ironed out any parental differences you may still have. Exposing your child to your own disagreements can be confusing and scary; a united front is best.
Sharing the plan with your child
It is critical that your child understands that any plan or evaluation is meant to help them to be more successful in school and in no way is punishment for past performance. Try to speak in a warm and supportive tone of voice. Start by discussing your conference with the teachers, your child’s grades and some of the recommendations that the teachers made to help your child.
Explain what this will involve and emphasize why it is worth doing. Be clear—you are delivering news that will require your child to work more and to work harder, but you expect this to help your child achieve. Answer any questions your child may have in a clear and simple way. Listen as they describe and discuss their experience of the class. Be precise. Don’t be harsh.
Make sure you are sensitive to any negative self-feelings this may conjure up in your child’s mind and be prepared to offer comfort, reassurance and encouragement. Let him know you have confidence in the success of the plan and believe that by working more closely together as a team—teachers, student and parents—you believe everyone will see things get easier and better. Be realistic. This is not an overnight change, but the beginning of a process that will yield good results over time with everyone working together.
Following up with your child
Return to this conversation often, in a “pep talk” kind of way. Share the results of any neuropsychological evaluation in a way your child can understand. As you adopt and implement the recommendations, be very encouraging. Show care and support for what your child now has to do. Make sure to point out the gains along the way, even little ones, and always show your child appreciation for the hard work they are doing. Be consistent and persistent in your support and expect little bumps along the way as your child works to implement what their teachers now expect of them. Be prepared that it will take some time for your child to implement their new guidance and there will be moments when they are not doing as they are advised. This too will change, but not without gentle, but firm, redirection and understanding.
Following up with the teachers
Be in close contact with your child’s teachers so you can make sure everyone is clear on the expectations they now have for their student. Teachers can keep you apprised of your child’s progress and you can request that they do so regularly. Share what you see at home and ask them how that compares with what they see in the classroom. Be flexible if any additional recommendations or changes are suggested as you all move forward together.
In our experience, learning issues are encountered by many children, no matter how strong a student they are, as they try to do their best. Our job as parents is to pave the way in whatever ways we can. It is important that our own school histories or feelings do not get in the way as we support our children to become the best student that they can be. As Walter, Marcia, Jake and his teaching team followed up with a plan tailored to meet Jake’s learning needs, success was slow, but steady. Jake experienced newfound self-confidence and Walter learned to separate his own history of guilt and humiliation from the story Jake was writing for himself. One of supported steady work, leading to pride in hard-won accomplishment.
