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An enmeshed relationship is one where interpersonal boundaries are blurred. The people involved become so emotionally intertwined that it’s hard to tell where one person ends and the other begins. This can happen between parents and children, siblings, romantic partners, or even close friends.
If you’re in an enmeshed relationship, you may:
- Have difficulty making decisions on your own.
- Feel guilty or selfish if you do anything without the other person or if it displeases them.
- Feel like you’re constantly walking on eggshells, afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing.
- Give up your own needs and wants in order to please the other person.
- Struggle to set boundaries.
People in enmeshed relationships often lose touch with who they are, defining themselves through the relationship rather than their own needs, values, and interests. They may also struggle to maintain outside relationships because so much of their energy goes into this one connection.
How boundaries transform enmeshed relationships
Boundaries are personal limits that we set to define ourselves and protect our well-being. They can include physical, emotional, and mental boundaries. For example, a physical boundary might be keeping your door closed when you are getting dressed. An emotional boundary might be not answering the phone when you’re feeling stressed. And a mental boundary might be refusing to engage in arguments with someone who is being verbally abusive.
Boundaries are essential in enmeshed relationships because they help to create a sense of space and individuality. When we have healthy boundaries, we can be ourselves and express our needs and wants without feeling guilty or afraid. We’re able to say no to others without fear of rejection or abandonment. Boundaries help us regain control over our choices, protect our emotional energy, and start building relationships that honor both our needs and the other person’s.
Why it’s hard to set boundaries in enmeshed relationships
Setting boundaries in enmeshed relationships can be difficult for a number of reasons.
First, people who grew up in enmeshed families often did not learn how to set boundaries in the first place. They may have been taught that their needs and wants were not important, or that they were selfish for putting their own needs first. This can make it difficult for them to identify and assert their boundaries in adulthood.
Second, people in enmeshed relationships often feel guilty or selfish if they try to set boundaries. They may fear that the other person will be hurt or angry if they say no. They may also worry that setting boundaries will damage the relationship.
Third, enmeshed relationships can be manipulative. The other person may use a variety of tactics to try to get you to cross your boundaries, such as guilt-tripping, shaming, or even threats. This can make it very difficult to stand up for yourself and enforce your boundaries.
Despite the challenges, it is important to set boundaries in enmeshed relationships. Boundaries can help you to protect your physical, emotional, and mental well-being. They can also help you to develop a stronger sense of self and to have more fulfilling relationships.
How to set boundaries in enmeshed relationships
Setting boundaries in a relationship that hasn’t had any can be overwhelming. So, start small. What are some basic boundaries you need in order to feel better about yourself and be more independent outside of your relationship?
Identify what’s most important to you, such as being treated with respect, having time apart, and being able to express your feelings.
Boundaries Essential Reads
Here are some tips for setting boundaries in enmeshed relationships:
- Identify your boundaries. What do you need? What limits are missing? Once you know your boundaries, you can start communicating them to the other person.
- Be clear and direct. When communicating your boundaries, be clear about what you need or what you’re asking for. This increases the chances that others will understand and respect your boundaries.
- Be consistent. Once you’ve set a boundary, be consistent in enforcing it. This may mean repeatedly setting the same boundary. Remember that others need time to adjust to your boundaries, especially if you haven’t set boundaries consistently in the past.
- Be prepared for resistance. The other person may resist your boundaries, especially if they are used to getting their way. Be prepared for this and know that it doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong or hurtful. It simply means that you are taking care of yourself and your own well-being.
Enmeshed patterns are hard to break. So, be patient and persevere in setting boundaries that prioritize your needs and allow you to express yourself, pursue your goals, and have fulfilling relationships.
© Sharon Martin. Adapted from an article on the author’s website.
