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At 33, I lost my husband to advanced adrenal cancer. Despite my master’s in social work, the resulting immense sadness, anxiety, and fear were overwhelming. His funeral, just before Thanksgiving, made the first holiday season excruciating.
For three years, I coped by reading extensively about grief, which brought up my father’s cancer death before my fifth birthday. This personal research evolved into global interviews with widows, from Montana to the Kibera slum, for my book, A Widow’s Guide to Healing.
A key finding was the profound isolation felt by the bereaved, especially during seasonal markers like the holidays. Approaching this time of year with dread, whether recently or years after a loss, is entirely normal.
If this resonates, know you are not alone. I want to share nine practical coping strategies for the weeks ahead.
When coping with loss, especially during challenging times like the holidays, adopting strategies for self-care and seeking support is vital.
Manage Your Energy and Boundaries
- Protect Your Emotional Energy: Treat your emotional capacity as a finite resource, like a cell phone battery. Be mindful of people and situations that deplete your energy or demand more than you can comfortably give.
- Monitor Your Emotional Level: Throughout the day, check in with yourself as often as you check your phone to gauge your emotional and energy state. These “self check-ins” help you know when to slow down and recharge. Simple ways to recharge include listening to music, talking to a supportive friend, or adjusting your schedule.
- Choose Listeners Wisely: It is sensible, not selfish, to be selective about sharing your grief narrative. Your story is valuable, and repeatedly recounting the details can be draining. If you sense someone won’t truly value or benefit from hearing your narrative, save it for a different time and person. Retelling your story to those who do not honor it can stir up negative feelings. While others may know of your loss, you control how and when your story is shared.
- Use Your “Opt-Out” Pass: If you are grieving, you have an all-access “opt-out” pass that can be used without guilt, anytime, anywhere. This applies if you initially accepted an invitation but later need to decline. You can change your mind on the way to an event, right before walking in, or even if you are already there. Remember that “No” is a complete sentence, and you always have a choice.
- Empower Children with an “Opt-Out” Pass: If you are navigating loss with children, giving them a similar “pass” empowers them to manage their grief. This option eases anxiety and lets them know you respect their feelings if they want to leave a gathering or sit out an activity.
Prioritize Your Well-Being
The holiday season often emphasizes perfection, but this is the time to extend compassion to yourself, not critical thoughts. Self-kindness is important. When faced with critical thoughts, consciously choose a list of ways to treat yourself with kindness. Mistakes happen; when in doubt, extend grace to yourself.
The bereaved often hide their grief. If you know someone experiencing loss, acknowledging it—no matter how long ago it occurred—means a great deal. If you are missing your loved one, take time to honor them in a way you feel they would appreciate.
Do not hesitate to schedule time with a licensed professional, such as a therapist or support group. This can be especially helpful before or after a specific event to process accompanying emotions. Grief is complex, and intense feelings like anger or depression can resurface, regardless of the time passed. Professional guidance offers essential security and support. Talking aloud helps you focus on the present, validates your concerns, and provides coping strategies for stressful situations.
Address Physical Impact
Grief profoundly impacts the physical body. For instance, following my husband’s funeral, I developed a compromised immune system leading to a diagnosis of a double ear infection, strep, and bronchitis, which my doctor directly linked to my loss. It is crucial to speak with a medical doctor about any physical issues you are experiencing, including panic attacks, as serious conditions like broken heart syndrome are real. Do not feel embarrassed; medical care plays a significant role in healing.
To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
