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As I wrote previously, dating and relationship conversations can feel embarrassing and anxiety-provoking. Those feelings arise because we want something from a romantic partner, but we don’t want to make things awkward by asking them for it. To solve this dilemma, Kunkel, Wilson, Olufowote, and Robson (2003) studied the concerns that made individuals uncomfortable asking a partner for something (face threats), as well as the strategies they used to discuss things more comfortably (face-saving strategies). Following their findings, in this post, we’ll explore the concerns that might hold you back from intensifying your romantic commitment with a partner (i.e., discussing exclusivity, monogamy, or marriage)—and the indirect strategies you can use to discuss the topic with less risk and awkwardness instead.
Concerns When Discussing Commitment
To begin, we need to understand what concerns prevent us from discussing commitment with a partner. Kunkel and associates (2003) noted six main questions that individuals consider before asking a partner to make a greater commitment to them:
- Why do I want to make this relationship more committed and “official” right now?
- Are they unable to commit to me (or to anyone) for some reason?
- Do I have the right to ask for more commitment from them?
- Why do I need to be the one to ask for a commitment (will it happen anyway)?
- Do they seem like they are willing to make a commitment?
- Do I really want to commit to them (and exclude other potential relationships)?
Investigating these concerns further, Kunkel and team (2003) found that individuals seeking greater commitment from a partner “perceive that the other party may feel pressured and also worry both that they are precluding other possible future relationships (if the partner does wish to intensify too) as well as jeopardize their current relationship (if the partner does not wish to intensify).” Some participants even found these concerns so worrying that they decided to avoid asking altogether. This was particularly true for those who were worried about being overbearing or looking overly dependent.
Despite those apprehensions, 86 percent of participants surveyed said that they would speak with a partner about increasing the level of relationship commitment. If their partner initially refused to have the discussion, however, only 29 percent said they would try again at some other time. Fortunately, instead of avoiding or quitting, others chose a less risky and less anxiety-provoking option—discussing things indirectly.
Discussing Commitment Indirectly
Further research by Kunkel and associates (2003) identified that some participants shared indirect strategies for talking to a partner about commitment. Those indirect strategies could be categorized into three levels—and ranged between avoiding the discussion entirely and directly asking for a commitment without preliminary conversation. Specifically, indirect intensifying conversations were (1) very indirect with only mild hints about commitment, (2) somewhat indirect with strong hinting about commitment, or (3) somewhat direct with preliminary conversation leading to a direct request for a bigger commitment. Beyond that, each approach had a specific strategy, as discussed below:
Participants with a very indirect strategy shared general observations and feelings about the relationship with their partner to intensify commitment. Specifically, they highlighted their partner’s positive behaviors (“You are always so sweet and thoughtful.”) and actions that already indicated their commitment (“You’re always here for me and so supportive.”). From there, they rewarded and reinforced those positive behaviors with statements of attraction and approval back (“You know I really appreciate and like you a lot, right?”). In doing so, they brought the significance of their partner’s giving and investment to mind—which can often motivate future consistency and commitment. Such statements also increase positive feelings and increased connection through gratitude, which may prompt a partner to respond with increased commitment as well. Sometimes, however, additional indirect prompting is necessary, too.
Thus, participants with a somewhat indirect strategy moved forward by questioning their partner about the overall status of the relationship. In essence, they asked their partner to define the relationship (“What do you consider ‘US’ to be?”) and share their thoughts about the future of it (“Where do you see this relationship going?”). Again, this serves two purposes. On one hand, framing the conversation about “us” and using we-talk (e.g., using “we” instead of “you and I”) can help persuade a partner to make a greater emotional connection to the relationship. On the other hand, as I explain in my book Attraction Psychology, thinking about future relationship goals can influence the level of effort put into a relationship, too. Altogether, this conversation can shift a partner’s thinking toward long-term planning. Therefore, it either prompts a partner to discuss commitment directly or puts them in the right mindset to follow up with more direct questions.
As a result, participants with a somewhat direct strategy often had an initial conversation with a partner (i.e., combining the first two approaches above) and then followed up with a more specific commitment request. Kunkel and associates (2003) shared that, after initial dialogue, participants usually asked a partner whether they were ready for the “next level” in their relationship (e.g., “We get along very well, and you are a cool person. I really like you. I was wondering how you felt about being exclusive?”). This approach highlights the fact that the couple is building a rewarding relationship together already. Then, asking the partner about their feelings regarding exclusivity evaluates their general readiness for commitment. Taken together, that discussion will give you a greater understanding of how a partner feels about you, your relationship together, and their motivation toward a larger commitment too.
Overall, those three strategies provide a potential method for indirectly intensifying a relationship commitment. They also use three of the five techniques to influence commitment—leaving more direct strategies (alternatives and norms) at your disposal. So, either way, it gives you the best chance of getting the commitment you desire while minimizing the concerns that could hold you back.
© 2026 by Jeremy S. Nicholson, M.A., M.S.W., Ph.D. All rights reserved.
