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You’re out of town, and your presumably responsible teenage son decides to take out the sports car, meets a woman who turns out to be a prostitute, brings her back to his family home, and proceeds to have a giant party, only for her pimp to show up and take all his family’s possessions for what he claimed were unpaid profits. Back in the ’80s, being a teenager was truly “Risky Business.” Also, Joel demonstrated the kind of independence skills and business acumen that led to a happy ending. It’s hard to imagine, even in a present-day cinematic drama, that a teen today could have managed such a gambit.
Audacious, reckless, invincible, and intractable are descriptors notoriously associated with adolescents. And there are important reasons for this. During adolescence, the emotional center of the brain is highly activated and primed to seek novelty, excitement, and new experiences. Teens need this neurological wiring to help them move beyond the familiar landscape of family and into the larger, unknown world.
More and more, however, I’m hearing from parents who are worried about something different: their teen’s lack of interest in spreading their wings or exercising their independence muscles. What is going on—and how can we help teens take the developmentally appropriate risks they need to grow up and practice “adulting”?
A 2023 CDC Youth Risk Behavior Report found that some adolescent risk-taking behaviors, such as drinking, sex, and driving, have decreased compared to previous decades. There may be some good news here. But do these trends also point to something more concerning?
Without opportunities to take risks, it becomes harder to learn new things, mature, and gradually assume greater independence. Yet, many teens today appear to be trending in the opposite direction, toward heightened anxiety and a decreasing desire to take the kinds of everyday risks that support healthy development.
Parents’ ultimate goal is for their teens to build secure and successful futures. To do that once they enter young adulthood, teens need real-world skills and experiences that foster confidence and self-sufficiency. But how can they develop these without meaningful trial and error? They can’t, at least not effectively, from the family room or with parents constantly in tow.
So, when is it appropriate to allow teens to be more out in the world, manage their own struggles, advocate for themselves, and engage socially, knowing that this will sometimes involve experimentation and risk-taking? The answer is: as soon as possible.
What role might parents play in the trend away from taking chances, and how can they support developmentally appropriate adolescent risk-taking?
Manage your own anxiety
Entering the great unknown of parenting teens can be scary and anxiety-provoking. Parents are wired to protect their children, and there’s no reason to expect those instincts to suddenly shut off once kids reach adolescence. Feeling scared or anxious is simply part of the parenting-teens experience, and it’s OK.
At the same time, it’s important for parents to regulate their emotional responses in ways that don’t overstate the world as a dangerous place. When teens recoil from their developmental task of taking risks, it is often a reflection of the anxiety they may be absorbing from the adults around them. Even when parents feel anxious, it’s essential to “check the facts” and align concerns with what is actually happening in their teen’s environment.
Have “cope ahead” conversations
Encourage reluctant teens to engage in experiences that challenge them and build mastery. Learning to drive, for example, is a powerful way for teens to develop a new skill that allows them to be out in the community on their own, spend time with friends, and even help the family.
Adolescence Essential Reads
Before teens take on new experiences that come with increased freedom and responsibility, initiate conversations that equip them to handle situations that may arise. Parents are invaluable resources for offering perspective drawn from wisdom and life experience. They also help supplement the parts of the brain that are still developing in teens, particularly those responsible for judgment and decision-making. Helping teens anticipate potential pitfalls and problem-solve in advance both supports their independence and helps parents feel more at ease.
Let them
If you’re a Mel Robbins fan, this phrase will sound familiar. In parenting, “let them” is about loosening the grip of over-management and allowing teens the freedom necessary for experiential learning. We all need room to “learn on the job,” and becoming a responsible adult is no exception.
When teens ask to do something new, pause before instinctively saying no. Consider what is being asked and whether the experience, or even part of it, could be worthwhile.
For example:
“I’m not comfortable with you driving to the concert with older friends who are newer drivers. I know how much you love that band and want you to go and have fun with your friends. I’m willing to drive you and pick you up if you really want to go.”
This approach balances safety with autonomy and keeps the door open for new learning rather than inadvertently communicating a lack of confidence or fear. Those who grew up in the ’80s know we had way more fun than teens today seem to be having!
Create a culture of talking openly about mistakes (even the really dumb ones)
When parents allow greater freedom, and therefore more opportunities to build competence and responsibility, there are no guarantees teens will get it right every time. Expect mistakes, lapses in judgment, and moments where expectations fall short.
Create a family culture where mistakes, even really stupid ones, can be talked about openly for teens to engage and benefit from your influence. There may be consequences, reassessments of readiness, or simply debriefs that lead to insight and growth. When something goes wrong, a relationship rooted in openness and free from shaming makes it far more likely that your teen’s first call, if something goes awry, will be to you.
And when things go right, successful self-reliant experiences of fun, work, or extracurricular accomplishments can be celebrated together.
