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Self-forgiveness is generally understood as the process of taking responsibility for one’s own wrongdoing and then releasing the negative feelings associated with it. What makes self-forgiveness so difficult for some people?
This was the main question of a study led by psychologist Lydia Woodyatt of Flinders University in Australia. In order to pursue this inquiry, she and her research team recruited 80 individuals, split between those who could and couldn’t forgive themselves. Participants’ perceived transgressions ranged from, for example, betrayal, neglect, infidelity, not living up to their own standards, and causing emotional harm to others.
Each group was asked to recount an instance in which they were able to forgive themselves and another in which they were unable to forgive themselves. Follow-up questions included why they felt they needed to forgive themselves, strategies that worked, how they felt about the transgression at the time of the interview, and so forth.
From there, the investigators analyzed participants’ answers for themes—and the results were striking. The analysis yielded four overarching themes, which are summarized below.
1. The present vs. the past.
For those who had difficulty forgiving themselves, the transgression felt very present despite the passage of time. For example, one interviewee, who shared that her daughter had been bullied at school, reflected: “It is a raw feeling. Just like it happened yesterday, but I moved my daughter four years ago.”
Reexperiencing the event and living with the consequences of a past transgression in the present day (e.g., financial loss) also made self-forgiveness harder. By contrast, people who enacted self-forgiveness were more focused on the present and future. They also had less intrusive thoughts and intense emotions about the event.
2. Agency.
Participants who had trouble taking responsibility for the wrongdoing also had trouble forgiving themselves. And if the event involved caring for someone else (e.g., an elderly family member) or being victimized (e.g., staying in an abusive relationship), it was also harder to let go of bad feelings.
Conversely, those who demonstrated self-forgiveness were able to both accept personal responsibility and personal limits. One participant expressed: “[Self-forgiveness] basically to me means that I can accept and understand my flaws and shortcomings, but not hold it against myself.”
3. Identity.
Participants who had trouble forgiving themselves struggled with reconciling their actions with their “true” or “ideal” self. They didn’t believe that they were essentially “good,” and self-forgiveness was impossible because they couldn’t make things right. They reported feeling frustrated, angry, regretful, and disgusted with themselves. One participant expressed: “I let my pride get the best of my common sense and I’m disgusted looking back on it.”
However, participants who practiced self-forgiveness could accept their flaws and reconcile their past self with their current self.
4. Reducing stress vs. working through.
While both groups of participants engaged in similar strategies to cope with self-blame, such as confiding in friends, therapy, and staying busy, the psychological motivations behind them were different. For those who couldn’t forgive themselves, these strategies allowed them to distance themselves from the emotional and moral weight of their actions—and avoid negative feelings and memories.
But for the self-forgivers, these strategies supported reflecting on their actions and working through them. One interviewee shared:
“I talked to several others about what happened. The more I talked to others and got their feelings about it the more I saw other aspects of the event. It took me a long time for me to step back from the event and listen to other points of view before I could look at things clearly. I still get sad about it but I don’t get overly emotional. It made me feel free.”
