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In Something’s Gotta Give, Harry Sanborn, played by Jack Nicholson, defends his position by saying, “I’ve always told you some version of the truth.”
The other side of this complicated relationship is Erica Barry, played by Diane Keaton, who has no intention of letting him get away that easily: “I didn’t know the truth had versions,” she says.
Although it may be hard to wrap your mind around it, some people really do have trouble seeing, and coming to terms with, the truth. We see this in the microcosm of relationships, but also in the macrocosm of business and politics. But what are the underlying dynamics at play when someone seems to be living in a reality contrary to easily proven fact?
The age-old question persists
The truth is the truth. Facts are facts. Right?
Not for everyone. What is thought to be error, falsity, misunderstanding, misrepresentation, stupidity, and even deception or lying raises the question: How is it that some individuals are so certain about their perspective that they insist that their view is the only accurate one and consistently refuse any information that shows it to be false?
Insights from developmental psychology
Children are not born with perceptual accuracy. This skill develops over time and is built upon a number of qualities associated with healthy emotional adjustment. Children become more logical over time. Perceptual accuracy involves both perception and interpretation.
For example, when a child’s pencil goes missing, he might think he saw someone take the pencil off the desk. In fact, no one took the pencil. It rolled off the desk and fell out of view. This is an example of misperception. But there are cases in which perception is accurate, while interpretation is inaccurate. For example, when a child hears a dog bark, she might believe that it means someone is at the front door. She has perceived correctly—a dog did bark. However, the child’s interpretation of the event is incorrect. The dog did bark, but not because there was someone at the door, but because it saw a squirrel racing across the lawn.
Over time, children improve their ability to perceive and interpret accurately. Real-world experiences and developing relationships both challenge and support these skills. But this developmental process can be disrupted by a number of things; trauma, tragedy, abuse, and/or a generally troubled upbringing can stunt the development of accurate processing skills, causing lifelong problems with both perceiving and interpreting information.
Structural limitations common to those who struggle with perceptual accuracy
These not-so-healthy perceptual skills compromise the ability to see and make use of the truth.
Hannah tried on a new dress and showed it to her husband. When asked his opinion, he said, “That color is not my favorite.” Hannah was furious. “You think I look fat.” An argument ensued over what he said versus what she heard, and whether he had rolled his eyes or not.
Many of these deficiencies are predicated on emotional limitations that grow out of defects in personality structure.
Potential structural defects
Emotional neediness: People often think of someone being “needy” as needing the approval of others. In this instance, emotional neediness refers to the unmet emotional needs that can interfere with perceptual accuracy. A person’s emotional needs can be so strong and overwhelming that they “need” to see the world in a certain way, clouding accurate perception and interpretation. In a sense, their needs overwhelm cognition, and accuracy is lost in the process.
Example: When therapy first began, Elizabeth talked about her mother as a “little difficult,” and softened that statement by insisting that she was “well-intentioned.” She often used phrases like “not that bad.” This take on her family history was present in all her sessions at first, but over time, she came to realize that she had underestimated her mother’s difficulties, misinterpreting her mother’s actions as well as the effect it had on her as a child. She quite literally could not see the problem or its extent.
Poor self-concept: A poor self-concept can lie behind faulty perception. A person with a poor self-concept needs the facts to line up with their point of view, showing that they are right, even superior. Any difference is threatening. For them, their way is the way, their view is the right view.
Example: Leon was handsome and smart, but he was a know-it-all. Talented in math and physics, he thought he was better than his peers and was intolerant of those who disagreed with him. Several other students possessed similar skill levels, but he neither saw nor appreciated their gifts. He monopolized class and put down others’ efforts when they spoke up. His self-perception was inflated and inaccurate.
Need for external validation: Emotional hunger can interfere with perceptual accuracy and, in addition, present challenges for relationships. Such individuals are so emotionally empty that they have an almost insatiable need for validation; therefore, they tend to adopt the opinions of people they admire, rather than forming their own. When others do not share their view of the facts, they tend to feel threatened. Their need impairs their perceptual abilities and often translates into an exacting view of things that are important to them.
Example: Heather was a cheerleader and highly valued fitting in. Sylvia was the lead cheerleader and team captain. Heather parroted Sylvia’s views about the cutest guys in school and hottest styles. When her classmates did not agree with her opinions, she became angry and dismissive. She was unaware of the influence Sylvia had on her thinking.
Healthy perceptual processing
When someone has healthy perceptual accuracy, their emotional needs do not interrupt or influence their perceptions. They have sufficient emotional strength to withstand injury or insult. They do not need to see things in a given way in order to support their self-esteem.
Flexibility is common to healthy perceptual processing. Perceptually accurate individuals tend to rely on information, investigation, and collaboration to ascertain the truth. They are aware of bias and prejudice, open to different points of view, and willing to concede that their view might not be correct.
Perceptually accurate people tend to demonstrate nuanced thinking, and they are not prone to premature conclusions, bias, or blaming. Such thinking is seen in thoughtful comments such as: “This is the way it seems to me,” or “This is how I saw it at the time.” They invite other points of view: “How does it look for you?”
As a group, those with good perceptual skills tend to be well-regulated emotionally. When upset, they are not prone to misperceiving or misinterpreting events or actions. Feelings do not easily influence their cognitive skills. Their processing skills remain steady in the face of distress.
Example: On vacation in a foreign country, Jane came back to her room to find her earrings were missing. Her first thought went to the only other person who had entered the room: the housekeeper. But before acting on that notion, she conducted a thorough search. She asked her roommate for assistance. She reconsidered her position, then recollected that she had misplaced them on a prior occasion. Jane then began searching for alternate explanations.
Signs of a healthy search for the truth
- Weighing the pros and cons of each fact in question
- Seeking out research or expert advice on disputed topics
- Conducting an investigation into the facts and considering other possibilities, interpretations, and explanations
- Keeping an open mind about criticism, confrontation, and difference in perspective
- Demonstrating steady emotional regulation in the face of controversy
- Appreciating different points of view
- Resisting reactivity to criticism or difference
- Checking one’s own perception and interpretation
The value of perceptual accuracy
For mature adults, being able to decipher, accept, and appreciate the truth is a critical skill. Limitations in emotional maturity based on a structural defect in the personality often account for a skill deficit here. Such limitations are often associated with character disorders and with narcissism in particular, a condition I discuss in my book, Childhood Narcissism: Strategies to Raise Unselfish, Unentitled, and Empathetic Children. Whatever the underlying cause, it is a worthwhile effort to hone skills in this area. Accurate perception and interpretation contribute to healthy relationships, good teamwork, and a civilized society.
