Why Are Men’s Friendships Weaker Than Women’s?

Friendships between two males tend to take a different form than friendships between two women. Here are some research findings that suggest why men’s friendships tend to be weaker than women’s:

• Men’s Friendships Tend to Be Less Emotional. Men tend to choose their friends based on “instrumental” rather than “emotional” reasons. So, men may choose friends for specific activities—having their “golfing” or “poker” buddies. Women, on the other hand, tend to have friendships that are more about the emotional connection with the other person rather than the “transactional” aspect of a friendship built on shared purpose.
• Men Spend Less Time Maintaining Friendships. Women tend to spend much more time maintaining their friendships—they call or text each other regularly. Men are much less inclined to engage in regular communication with their male friends. Yet, men may still consider their friends to be close, even though they may have completely lost connection with them. One interesting study asked middle-aged adult men to list their “very close friends.” The researchers then contacted those friends to participate in the research. In some instances, the “close friend” had passed away, unbeknownst to their “very close friend.”
• Men Avoid Getting “Too” Emotionally Involved. One recent study (Xue et al., 2024) explored why men might avoid getting too emotionally involved with other men, and it had to do with how the relationship might be perceived by others. In this study, heterosexual men were worried that appearing too close to their male friend might signal romantic interest. As the researchers note, although the men may have desired closer connections, concerns about what others thought about the relationship worked to perpetuate “a stigma against intimacy with men.”
• Men Aren’t Very Good at Social Support. Because they tend to be more emotionally distant with their male friends, men are not very skilled at providing social support. While it is easy to imagine women friends crying on one another’s shoulders, the same sort of support is less likely to happen between two males. Providing support is a skill, and men simply don’t get as much practice as women.
• Life Gets in the Way. Traditional sex roles that have men as the main breadwinners can mean that men have less time, in general, to create and maintain friendships.

On the Positive Side

Men’s friendships tend to be less fragile than women’s. Men tend to get over strained friendships more easily, while women are more likely to hold a grudge.

Part of the male bonding experience involves other- and self-deprecating humor that puts down friends or makes them the butt of a joke without weakening the friendship. The more emotional nature of women’s friendships doesn’t lend itself to deprecating humor.