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Some coworkers hold back from telling you information you need. Withholding is a form of sulking in disguise. These colleagues usually know more than you do about a given subject and are hurt that you have not acknowledged their expertise. Consequently, to make you come to them, they tell you none or only part of what you have to know.
They will not cooperate until you verbalize your recognition and appreciation of their knowledge. Their buttoning up is a frustrating tactic, but it sure gets your attention. Proceed carefully and with sincerity to open the lines of communication. Your goal is to get what you want and need from them while giving them what they want and need from you.
What You Are Thinking
Gwen finished making the latest projections, but she is not parting with that information. She says it is too soon to be sure she’s right, but that is just an excuse not to give us what we need so that we can proceed with our planning. I’m so frustrated. Could it be that she’s acting childish and just wants to be begged?
Your Coworker’s Thoughts
If they want my information, they can show me a little more respect. I am the most tenured person in this office. Plus, I stay late and go over my figures very carefully to be sure they are correct. Then they come by demanding my data without taking the time to recognize my efforts. They are completely uninformed in this area. They need me. You think they would show some appreciation instead of just assuming I will bail them out.
Strategy
Your goal is to get this coworker to give you the required information.
- Soothe wounded egos. Couch your request tactfully. Be more generous with warranted praise and appreciation. Send a group email, sincerely praising your colleague. (Be mindful that insincere praise will have the opposite effect, so choose words carefully and with purpose.)
- Come in the side door. When your colleague does not answer your direct request, ask them to confirm your conclusions or the limited facts you were able to gather. Admit your ignorance and ask them to fill you in. Inquire how they would go about tackling your problem. Remember the importance of sincerity when interacting with your coworker. Remember that you need your colleague’s help and they want to feel appreciated.
Tactical Talk
You: Gwen, I don’t know what this team would do without your talent. Your guidance is truly helpful. Thanks for pointing us in the right direction.
Or: I realize you are not ready to share your projections with us, but I wonder if you’d look at this. Admittedly, we are not experts on this subject. Maybe you could fill in a few gaps.
Give your coworker the credit they deserve. You have hurt their feelings, and they are getting back at you. Remedy the wrong, and the information you need will start pouring right out.
Copyright© 2025 Amy Cooper Hakim
