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What’s more predictive of relationship satisfaction for couples than the amount of conflict? Successful relational repair. When couples can make effective repairs, even when conflict occurs, they are far more likely to sustain long-term relationship satisfaction.
Many people believe that saying “I’m sorry” is the key to moving forward after relationship tension or conflict. However, there’s a difference between offering a simple apology and making a relational repair.
Apology
An apology is a communicated regret for a mistake or hurt. An apology might sound like, “I’m sorry” said in a way that suggests the person apologizing wants to move on quickly. As a couples therapist, when I hear couples struggling with moving on after conflict, even after an apology is offered, it is often because the apology is some version of this. For true relational repair to occur, there are additional steps needed.
Relational Repair
A repair goes beyond the basic apology described above. A successful relational repair creates de-escalation and a productive conversation to help couples get out of conflict. It requires the following: 1) perspective-taking, 2) taking accountability, and 3) committing to future changes.
Perspective-taking means making a genuine effort to “put yourself in your partner’s shoes” to see the situation from their point of view. It means slowing yourself down to understand not just what they’re saying, but going deeper to understand why they are feeling the way they are. This also requires you to put aside feelings of defensiveness in order to put yourself in a position of curiosity. For example, attempt to shift yourself from “my partner shouldn’t be feeling this way because…” to “I wonder why my partner feels this way.”
Taking accountability means owning your part in what happened without defensiveness, excuses, or blaming your partner. Taking accountability doesn’t inherently mean you are accepting all the blame or that any of your own hurt in the conflict doesn’t matter. Instead, it demonstrates you are able and willing to see the impact you had. By doing the previous step (i.e., perspective-taking), you will be better able to genuinely take accountability and demonstrate your understanding of your relational impact.
Committing to future changes requires you to ask yourself, “What can I do differently next time to prevent this pattern from repeating?” Without this step, you and your partner might find yourselves in the same negative interaction cycles again and again. Committing to shifting future behaviors breaks that cycle and transforms an apology into a repair and a promise to create a stronger relationship.
Now, let’s put the three steps together:
“I’m sorry I snapped at you and raised my voice when you asked about the trip. I totally get why that hurt your feelings when you were just bringing it up because you’re excited. I’m excited too and can see why my reaction made you think that I’m not. So, again, I’m really sorry. I’m stressed trying to get everything finished up and directed my stress at you and that’s not fair. Next time, I’ll do a better job communicating how I’m feeling ahead of time so we can talk about it and not take my stress out on you.”
When both partners in a relationship learn how to engage in relational repair, it creates mutual repair cycles in which both partners can acknowledge their contributions to conflict and commit to working towards future growth together!
Now that we’ve covered what to include in a relational repair, let’s cover what not to include. Below are tips for things not to say when attempting to repair.
Do not follow a repair attempt with “but”
- If you follow any repair attempt with a “but…”, it will discount the authenticity of everything that preceded it. For example, “I can see that my tone hurt you and I’m sorry for that, but…”. I don’t even need to fill in the rest. The value of the original repair attempt will be erased.
Relationships Essential Reads
Do not explain, defend, or make excuses
- Context and intent matter, but impact matters more. If you start your repair attempt by explaining your intent, it will come off as defensive or sound like excuses. Only after the repair has been made and accepted can this information be helpful to share.
Do not say “I’m sorry you feel that way”
- Of course you are! The intent of the message is generally good here. You care about your partner and are sorry your actions caused harm. However, the way this message comes across demonstrates a lack of self-reflection about why your partner is feeling hurt (i.e., your actions) and that you’re sorry about these actions. Saying “I’m sorry you feel that way” does not demonstrate the key ingredients of a repair: perspective-taking, accountability, and committing to future change.
