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In her 2024 novel Tell Me Everything, writer Elizabeth Strout explores the intricacies of human relationships. All of us, it seems, have distinctive ways of expressing ourselves. We have “backstories” as well as present predicaments and hopes for the future. Our lives fall into patterns, and it isn’t easy to counter the logic of those arrangements.
Among Strout’s characters is a middle-aged minister, Margaret, who seems accomplished in every way. She receives respect from her congregation and handles her responsibilities professionally. But she has a flaw. She is, or so people who know her well think, narcissistic. She focuses too much on her own career; she talks excessively about herself. Worse, she doesn’t listen well to others. Instead of hearing their concerns and responding sympathetically, she manages them. Feeling this inattention most acutely is her husband, Bob.
We can all plead guilty to being inattentive, at least at times. We become preoccupied with personal difficulties. We want to discuss our problems—and our successes. When we’ve made difficult decisions, we want validation from our listeners, but we don’t want to hear criticism.
Again, none of this is blameworthy. What is to be criticized is a propensity to use others simply as “backboards” or “dump sites.” More problematic still is the circumstance where significant relationships assume this character. With certain people, it seems, we are the ones who do most of the talking or “sharing,” and others find themselves in the listener’s role. Perhaps, we conclude, they’re more comfortable listening. Maybe we have a little more going on in our lives than they do. Do they not require the attention we crave?
There are relationships where asymmetry is appropriate—therapists, priests, and guidance counselors come to mind. But chronic imbalances among friends and family members turn people into functionaries. They breed resentment and feelings of isolation. They cement status differences.
In that context, consider the issue of when personal preoccupation becomes narcissism, and when conversational style becomes exploitative.
Individuals with these tendencies may want favors and special recognition. They make much of their own accomplishments, real or imagined. They believe they deserve the best.
A bragging, intrusive style can result in unhealthy relationships with others. The self-absorbed may try to surround themselves with those who flatter them and do their bidding. People who criticize them or challenge their views are no longer “friends.” Worse, they are considered threats or enemies who must be marginalized or subordinated.
That said, the self-centeredness of the above sort may be a form of defensive individualism, an uncompromising style of individualism that supports a tempestuous, but fragile self-concept.
The Strained Relationship
“Well, I’m not that bad,” most of us would say. Nor indeed is Elizabeth Strout’s character Margaret, who is a fine person in most ways.
However, what I would suggest here is that many of us exhibit a “social” narcissism, that is, we pick and choose relationships where we can indulge our selfish tendencies.
There are a few people—sultans, kings, presidents, and other leaders of vast organizations—who can indulge freely those impulses. As Lord Acton said, if it is true that power corrupts (and that absolute power corrupts absolutely), then it is equally the case that power corrupts personality. Who among us doesn’t begin to believe ourselves important or interesting because other people must do our bidding?
Again, most of us have limited spheres of control. We work in bureaucracies where we manage some people and take orders from others. We live in families where we administer “dependents” and acknowledge the superiority of elders. For the most part, common sense—and fear of reprisal—tethers authoritarian tendencies.
What about relationships with peers, like friends or siblings? Do we sometimes seek out companions we can dominate or at least bend to our conversational style? A colleague of mine used to say that when she called someone and asked to get together, what she really meant was that she herself wanted to talk. She had no intention of listening. Give her points for honesty.
Personality Essential Reads
Can the listener role—as for the therapist—convey higher status? Yes, presuming that the speaker is looking for wisdom or advice rather than just confirmation. When we are being self-absorbed, we only want supportive attention. And we want the conversation to be about “us.”
Some of our relationships have this show-and-tell quality. The speaker has a story to tell. Once they begin, they are almost impossible to derail. If interrupted, they will return later to the point where the pause occurred. They are not processing the listener’s responses, and they may tell that story repeatedly. When the conversation turns to the other’s experiences, they have little interest in what is being said.
What categories of people are used as dumpsites? Commonly, adult children receive the steady complaints of aging parents. Administrative assistants endure the rantings of bosses. Bartenders, hairdressers, maids, and other service workers grow accustomed to aggressive bellyaching. Clearly, issues of status pertain. Presumably, the listener will—and can—do little with the information provided.
More subtle are relationships among putative equals. Perhaps one spouse or friend may be more even-tempered or patient. They may be assigned the listener role. Like Margaret’s husband Bob in the novel, they may be more congenial or gentle. Because of those perceived qualities, the dominant party sees the relationship as a “safety zone.” However, because no real feedback is accepted, the egocentric only processes the issue on the terms they’ve already set.
Responding to self-centeredness
Nearly 50 years ago, social critic Christopher Lasch argued that the modern United States features cultural narcissism. In earlier centuries, people typically had more settled places in society—defined by family, church, community, and occupation. Nowadays, those ties have loosened. People pursue identities as individuals. Status anxiety is a key theme of experience.
Interpersonal relationships, especially with peers and new acquaintances, become more important. People feel the need to prove their worth to others. They fear losing the positions they hold. As a nation, we have become increasingly self-centered. But our sense of self is more fragile than ever.
Egocentric behavior expresses this quest for recognition. Although it exploits the listener—using them to buoy the speaker’s spirits—it is rarely bullying. Instead, the speaker effectively requests: “Support me, tell me I am important.”
Recognizing one-sided communication in ourselves means shifting attention from the stories we are telling—often, just self-talk—to their effect on our listeners. How are they responding to what we say? Does this information intersect with the meanings of their own life?
For their part, listeners should try breaking the spell (spiel) by being more active in their responses to it. Stop the information flow. Ask questions. Insert one’s own viewpoints. And begin conversations, welcomed or not, about one’s own experiences. Self-interested communication is a one-way street. Dialogue—and the relationship it expresses—is something quite different.
