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Jodi was unexpectedly fired from her job. Henry just got divorced. Tara is a proud parent of her new baby. John just retired from his 30+ year career. While our everyday lives tend to fall into predictable patterns, life mixes it up from time to time. Like Jodi, the unexpected happens, or like Henry, Tara, and John, while there are no surprises, new challenges are still likely to arise that can’t be predicted.
Between the closing of one chapter—the job, the marriage, the singlehood, or the career—and the firm landing into a new one, comes a transition zone: an emotional gray zone between the old and familiar and the new and unknown.
Here are some of the common reactions and challenges of transitions:
Your identity is shaken
While a transition certainly brings about changes in tasks and priorities, it is also often about identity. The person you were—employee, husband, parent, or career-centered person—is no longer, and who you will become, along with your purpose, your goals, and visions of the future, is unclear. This transition zone can last from a few days—as with a breakup that you’re actually glad has ended—to several years—as may be the case with shifting to a new career, regrouping after a divorce, or parenting a new child.
You’re feeling anxious
Anxiety is a byproduct of moving into any new emotional territory. Anxiety is always about the future, and if the future is uncertain, anxiety fills in the gap. The anxiety may swirl around something specific—Jodi’s need to find a job—or something more generalized—John’s idleness and sense of worry.
Your old coping skills aren’t working
In the midst of their transitions, both Jodi and John can look back and see that they were workaholics at times, using work as a distraction from other problems in their lives. Similarly, Henry coped with his difficult marriage by essentially avoiding their problems or accommodating his partner. Now their coping styles are in stark relief, and the challenges of the transition stretch them to their limits. With the demands and decisions that the divorce brings, Henry’s challenge is to step up, stop avoiding, and be more assertive. Jodi and John, now without work, need to find new ways to get through this transition period.
Unresolved issues and regrets from the past come up
Jodi struggled with her supervisor throughout her job tenure, but never addressed it, and now she is kicking herself for not doing so. Ditto for Henry, who is not only now angry about the injustices that were swept under the rug but also finds himself ruminating about past relationships that went sour. For John, the loss of his career may stir buried sadness about the death of his brother several years ago. For Tara, a new baby may bring up thoughts of a past miscarriage or abortion.
As you close one chapter, there is always at some level a sense of loss, and that stirring of loss triggers other past losses.
So, how to navigate these unsettled waters? Here are some suggestions:
Understand that what you’re feeling is normal
Time to give yourself some grace: You’re going through a life change, and you not only need to be gentle with yourself but realize the emotional rollercoaster that you’re feeling is what comes with this psychological territory. What may be happening is normal, even if difficult, and it will get better as you move through it.
Maintain a positive attitude
Do your best to avoid going down the woe-is-me-I’m-a-victim mindset. Instead, try out thinking that “I did the best I could” or “My life is working for me, even if I’m not sure where it will take me.” Try changing your negative story into a more positive one; by changing the story, you change your feelings.
Realize that this is an opportunity
For most of us, a good amount of our lives is about going on autopilot—we do what we do because we do it. These transition zones are actually rare opportunities to start fresh, to begin with a clean slate. Before that window closes, where you once again settle into new routines, now is the time to experiment and explore. Your brain and life are right now malleable; you are open to new experiences. Take advantage of this time.
Explore and set goals
Taking advantage of this time means exploring, experimenting, and busting out. If you were to imagine your preferred new life, what would it look like? How do you feel, act, or even dress differently? This is an optimal time to try out these new behaviors and feelings. You may find yourself going full circle—exploring but returning to the same place as before—but it is not the same place as before. By exploring, you’ve created a different perspective through which to view your past, present, and future.
And a new perspective is what transitions offer. Seize the opportunity.
