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Carl isn’t happy in his job—it’s boring, he doesn’t particularly like his coworkers, and especially his supervisor, who is a micromanager—but he has a pension and a couple of kids that he’d like to put through college. He feels trapped.
Jodi, too, feels trapped; not in a job but in her marriage. She and her husband have little in common, are living parallel lives, and his occasional but explosive bouts of anger keep her walking on eggshells. But she is only working part-time, and literally can’t afford to leave, nor does she know where she would go.
Trapped: Stuck at the bottom of a well where you can see the sky but can’t get out. The feeling readily leads to depression, a why-bother-it-doesn’t matter-there’s-nothing-you-can-do attitude. You hate the feeling, but you give up.
But it doesn’t have to be that way. Here are some suggestions for breaking out.
Realize you’re making a choice
Unfortunately, there are situations and conditions where you are truly trapped: you’re in prison or living in a war zone. But for most of us, and for Carl and Jodi, the feeling of being trapped comes with an underlying choice being made, namely, that staying is better than leaving. For Carl, the choice may be due to a fear of losing his pension or not having enough money to educate his children. For Jodi, the choice may be due to a sense of being overwhelmed—not knowing how to start or what to do, and imagining worst-case scenarios like living on the street or her husband retaliating in some way.
Saying this is not to minimize Carl’s or Jodi’s feelings or how challenging it would be to break out and change course. However, realizing that you are making a choice, that you have had a role in shaping your situation—often simply because the known feels less overwhelming than the unknown—can help you feel less like a passive victim of your circumstances, and potentially open you up to other choices.
Check in with your future self
How does Carl, Jodi, or you imagine feeling 10 or 20 years from now if nothing changes? Carl may actually look back and feel proud that he had the tenacity to stick with it, or that he lived his values even if he had to sacrifice a bit of himself for the sake of his family. Jodi, on the other hand, may look back and feel like she wasted her life, or you may feel regret that you let fear dictate the course of your life and regret not having had the courage to act. While you can’t predict or control the future, by looking ahead and imagining the emotional consequences of staying put, you can clarify your priorities and motivation.
Explore
The antidote to feeling trapped and the depression it creates is action—you need to try to get out of the well. This doesn’t mean Carl quits his job tomorrow or Jodi takes the first bus out of town. Instead, it is about doing something, and exploring is a good place to start: Carl may discuss changing duties or his supervisor, or look into available jobs in his field; Jodi may search for full-time work to save money, or consult with an attorney about the divorce process.
This is about gathering valuable information, but more importantly, it is about getting a reality check—discovering that what you have been imagining may not actually occur.
Get support
There’s an understandable tendency in situations like this to keep your struggle to yourself: Carl doesn’t discuss his job with his wife for fear she will worry; ditto for Jodi with friends because she is a naturally private person or feels embarrassed. But going it alone is difficult. Look for supports in your community: Jodi, for example, talks with staff at the local women’s shelter or legal aid, to not only explore services, but also to realize that help is indeed available. Reaching out to a friend or family member, or finding a counselor—having at least one confidant—can lighten your burden and ease your anxiety.
Stepping into the unknown is always scary, always a challenge, but staying where you are, resigning yourself to what is, is often the greater burden and challenge. So, what is your bottom line for action? Are you willing to take even baby steps towards a different / better life?
If not now, when?
To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
