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Family estrangement is often misunderstood and stigmatized, leaving many who’ve chosen it hesitant to share their experiences with others. When they can talk, they choose safe and capable people to engage with. Would you like to be one of these people? If so, consider the following guidance.
Do Not Focus on Your Beliefs
Avoid saying:
- “But they’re your family.”
- “Family is everything.”
- “You only get one father/mother/grandparent.”
Someone who has chosen estrangement does not need to hear your thoughts or feelings about family. They have heard it before from others or society, and yet they are estranged. Instead, consider being curious about their own beliefs and situation.
Say:
- “What are your beliefs about family?”
- “This must have been a hard decision.”
- “You deserve relationships that feel safe and valuable.”
Don’t Compare Experiences
Avoid saying:
- “Every family has problems.”
- “My family has made mistakes too, but I still talk to them.”
- “They never abused/hurt/wronged me.”
In your attempt to relate, you may inadvertently compare your own experiences to theirs. But your family is not this person’s family, so any comparison does not make sense. And even if they do share your family, your experiences are not theirs. Even siblings who are close in age and raised in the same family can have had completely different experiences, both of which are valid.
Instead, say:
- “I believe you, even if my experience was different.”
- “I trust that you know what’s best for you.”
- “It sounds like your family relationships are painful.”
Avoid Trying to Fix
Avoid saying:
- “You should try to forgive them.”
- “If they’ve changed, could you give them another chance?”
- “You’ll feel better if you reach out.”
Just as comparisons are ineffective, so is unsolicited advice. You might encourage them to take actions with the intention of being helpful. But this is rarely productive and comes across as you simply telling them what to do. Remember: Their situation is different than yours, and what you think will work for you or what has worked for you may not work for them.
Instead, say:
- “Do you want or need my input?”
- “Healing can look different for everyone. What do you need to heal?”
- “How can I support you right now?”
Do Not Guilt Them
Avoid saying:
- “You’ll wish you had another chance when they die.”
- “How could you do that to your family?”
- “They need you.”
Guilting someone rarely leads to a lasting change in their thoughts, feelings, or actions but it can cause emotional harm. Those who use guilt or fear against others are not safe people, and they should avoid discussing family estrangement.
Instead, say:
- “I’m here if you ever want to talk about it.”
- “I trust that you are making choices that keep you safe.”
- “I believe you.”
Family estrangement isn’t a topic that everyone can safely discuss. The best way to support someone who’s chosen it isn’t by fixing, comparing, guilting, or focusing on your beliefs, but by listening without an agenda. When you offer acceptance instead of advice, and curiosity instead of criticism, you become the safe person that they can talk to.
