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When Lisa contacted me to discuss concerns with her 11-year-old daughter, Lilly (names in this example have been changed), she described her as highly anxious. Lisa’s call resonated with what I hear from many other parents of children and teens. Yes, generally speaking, they are anxious. But when I meet with these kids, the most striking specific struggle I see is that their minds won’t shut down. That’s not a good mental state for a child or teen.
Scanning for Certainty, Stuck in Worry
These kids’ overthinking brains keep scanning for certainty. They keep replaying “What ifs?” about past and future conversations, how they did in school, and what will happen in their social lives. Lilly, in particular, had a tough time letting go of thoughts that her friends secretly don’t like her, even though there was no evidence of this.
It is essential to understand that overthinking is not a personality quirk. Instead, it is a driver of anxiety and stunted confidence in so many children who struggle with it. I have found that many parents find it heart-wrenching that, for these children who think too much, it shuts them down from doing anything. That’s because these children and teens have incessant worry loops and a need for reassurance that does not calm their anxiety. Instead, it feeds and worsens it.
How Overthinking Shows Up In Real Lives of Kids
Here are some further examples from my book, Freeing Your Child From Overthinking, about the impact of overthinking on children and teens and what helps them.
Henry’s Homework Stall
Henry, age 11, understands the material but can’t get started on his math assignment. His over-analytic mind is preoccupied with imagining himself making mistakes, the lost time of errors he has not yet made, and how frustrated he will feel about what he has not yet experienced (wasted effort and mistakes).
What helps?
Henry’s mom acknowledges his frustration. She shares how she would shut down when doing math schoolwork when she was younger. Her empathy creates emotional alignment with Henry, and he no longer feels alone in his struggle. She gently suggests that Henry start the first problem. Overthinking loves analysis paralysis and hates taking action. Henry takes a small bite out of his math homework and realizes he was making a mountain out of a molehill.
Sara’s Text Replay
Sara, age 14, is trapped in a maddening, self-flagellating worry loop after a girl she wants to be closer friends with does not respond to her text message. She overthinks with “Did I sound awkward?”, “Ugh, I screwed up.” “I suck at making friends!” Here, anxiety is about not being in the moment because she is stuck replaying negative thoughts and refusing to let go of them.
What helps?
Sara’s mom, Beth, sees how distraught Sara has become. Beth then helps Sara contain and move on by saying, “I know how much being closer with her matters to you. But for tonight, the only thing we know is that she has not responded yet. We don’t have to decide what that means yet.” Beth then says, “What would help you feel just a little better right now? How about putting your phone down, taking a shower, and watching some funny clips together?”
Dennis Doesn’t Make A Decision
When it comes to choosing many things, Dennis, age 9, struggles. He can’t decide what activities to try, what to order at a restaurant, or on many days, even what to wear. Most choices, to him, feel laden with risks and regrets. As a result of his overthinking, his struggles concern what has not yet occurred.
What helps?
Dennis’s father, Allen, acknowledges his tendency to overthink. Now, in the position of Dennis’s “mindset mentor,” he says, “I’m not sure which call to return first when I get to work today. But I know when I choose the first one to return, I’ll feel better.” The crucial message from Allen is that, although uncertainty is uncomfortable, it remains manageable.
The Takeaway
Often, when we see our kids looking anxious, we jump in as parents to reassure. Unfortunately, doing that keeps the worry loops alive. But when we see overthinking as the real driver of the struggles discussed above, then we can coach our kids out of overthinking. Doing so involves helping them pause, name their overthinking, contain it, engage in smaller actions, limit their overthinking time, and tolerate uncertainty.
