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C.A.R.E. is an acronym for the mindset necessary to improve your ability to solve problems during a conflict. It can be a conflict with anyone. Of course, most of my clients are co-parents, but C.A.R.E. works with best friends, crotchety bosses, contrary children, as well as an ex with whom you no longer feel you have anything in common. When you are having a disagreement, think C.A.R.E.:
C Is for Communication
I have worked with thousands of co-parents over the years. Everyone tells me the reason they are there is, “We need to improve our communication. We can’t talk to each other.”
Say that in court, and the order becomes “communicate only in writing.” This is done to verify who is the instigator of the disagreements. “Texting okay” is often added to the court order in an effort to allow some sort of parental communication, albeit limited.
Texting is convenient, but it is not a communication tool. It’s a notification tool. It’s something you use to tell your co-parent you will be 15 minutes late to the exchange. Texting has become the path of least resistance for estranged parents. Don’t want to talk to your ex? Text them.
Texting is simply not a productive way to raise your children together.
Ironically, “communicate only through text” has become the path of least resistance for the courts, as well. The courts don’t want to play referee for estranged parents; therefore, parents are ordered to use a co-parenting app so their insults can be monitored. If you must record your poor choices via an app as proof of your inability to communicate with your co-parent, you will benefit from reading my book.
The following modes of communication are based on talking and listening to your co-parent, not texting.
Active Listening
Active listening is a communication technique that requires the listener to restate or paraphrase in their own words what they just heard, confirming that both parties have a shared understanding.
Phrases that will aid you in listening more actively are:
• “I’m curious why you feel that way.” (Prompts someone to explain their point of view.)
• “Tell me more about that . . . ” (Prompts someone to volunteer more information.)
• “So, what you are saying is . . . ” (Asks them to verify that they were heard correctly.)
Trust and Transparency
Since trust is essential to any working relationship, rebuilding trust is critical if co-parents are to successfully problem-solve together.
Rebuilding trust begins with small gestures: little things like saying, “Your mother (or father) and I have discussed this, and we have decided…” to the children when talking about decisions you and your co-parent have made.
Here’s an example that illustrates how quickly trust can erode between co-parents:
“We agreed on something — that Noah’s father would call him at 5 o’clock when he was with me. We were home to talk at 5:00. He called at 6:00. I can’t trust anything he says.”
Honest, transparent communication reinforces your credibility. If you say you will call at 5:00, call at 5:00. If you can’t, notify your co-parent. This is a great example of when texting works well. “I can’t call at 5 pm tonight. How about 5 tomorrow?” Done.
Tact and Timing
Tact (how you say something) and timing (when you say something) have a lot to do with how cooperative your co-parent will be.
Before you speak, read the room. That’s using tact and timing.
Here’s an example of what can happen when tact and timing are lacking:
“I just finished a session where the father wanted more time with his son. He and his co-parent have a volatile history, but they have been working together and have made great strides during previous sessions. At the beginning of this session, the mother announced she was exhausted and overwhelmed with the responsibilities of her job, being the primary caregiver to four children, two of whom have special needs, and she had just gotten back from a holiday vacation to Disneyland. Just talking about it made her a little weepy. The father didn’t care. He immediately started in with his demands, and that was not the time to discuss something as emotional as changing the parenting plan. He forgot about the importance of tact and timing. We were back to square one.”
A Is for Acceptance
Learning to accept that others have points of view different from your own is another key to dealing with conflict. Here’s an example of what that realization looks like.
“I was married young. At first, life was wonderful, but we eventually grew apart. I read self-help books and offered him passages for change. He didn’t want to listen and thought my attitude was one-sided. But I knew I was right, and that just fueled our disagreements. We eventually got divorced.
Years later, I married again. We had three children, and again, life was wonderful for a while, but slowly the same patterns emerged, and I honestly believed that if he would just change, we would be fine. Our arguing got worse, but I didn’t want to get a divorce this time. I had children. I decided that if I wanted to stay married, I would have to be the one to change. I would have to accept my husband for who he was and learn to appreciate his opinions as his, even if they were different than mine. Change was not an option. Acceptance was.”
R Is for Respect
Treating your co-parent with respect means regarding them as your equal and offering them the same consideration you would like in a given situation.
Here’s an example of how offering respect can change things for the better.
“I recently stopped referring to my son’s father as “my ex.” I could see it in my son’s expression that it bothered him. He would squish up his face like he smelled something bad. When I asked him about it, he told me it made him feel bad. “I don’t know,” he shrugged. “But, ex, Mom?” So, I started referring to his dad as “my co-parent” or “my son’s dad.” Surprisingly enough, with that little bit of added respect, my attitude changed.”
E Is for Empathy
Empathy closes the gap of misunderstanding by suggesting you consider how you might feel if put in the same position. Another way to say it? Put yourself in their shoes.
“My ex-husband and I share custody of the kids. I always made the doctor and dentist appointments when we were together, and so I took it for granted that that would continue when we were divorced. I never told him when the kids were going to the dentist. I figured it wasn’t his business. I was their mother. Then one day, I found out that our youngest had a tooth pulled, and his dad took care of it. I was furious. I realized that it must have been exactly how their father felt when I didn’t consult him about appointments. So, from that minute on, I never took the children to another appointment without keeping their dad in the loop. It was his right to know as their dad, just as it was my right as their mother. That shift has made a significant impact on how we communicate now.”
Now and then, I get a comment saying that the C.A.R.E. approach is impractical. “Real divorced people don’t get along,” one reader wrote.
They do if they put their children first. And, I have to say it, it’s not difficult to fight with your ex. To work together in the name of your children, that’s an accomplishment of which you can both be proud.
