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In How to Train Your Dragon—the 2010 animated film and the surprisingly good 2025 live-action remake—a young Viking named Hiccup lives in a village that equates worth with how well you can slay dragons.
But Hiccup is awkward, curious, and terrible at fighting—everything his father and classmates wish he would change. Yet when he starts to outwit the dragons, those who once mocked him begin to welcome him. He begins to fit in, but he still doesn’t belong.
That story reminds me of today’s workplaces, where we too often celebrate those who shapeshift into the existing culture and side-eye those who bring something different.
This is a problem, as Brené Brown argues in her new book Strong Ground. In this era of disruption and uncertainty, organizations must learn to care for and value people for who they are. This post explores a few ways to do just that.
Missing Each Other
Years ago, while working for the State Department, I helped orchestrate a major event in Senegal. At the closing ceremony, I thanked the host government lavishly and praised every dignitary. But I forgot to acknowledge Danielle, our local advisor who had made it all possible.
By most metrics, I did the “right” leadership things: I built a team that delivered a successful event and deepened our partnership with key stakeholders. But I failed as a leader because I didn’t make my team feel like they belonged.
The lesson was both painful and clear: Yes, paychecks and intrinsic motivation matter, but humans need more. In the words of psychologist Dan Siegel, “We need to feel felt.”
“That’s Not the Culture Here”
A long career in government has shown me how often large workplaces fail at that. We ask people to fit in instead of belong. There’s even a phrase for it: “That’s not the culture here.”
Let me translate: “We sifted through dozens of résumés and hired you for your uniqueness. Now, please stop being unique.”
Even as a straight white man, I’ve felt moments of not belonging. When I was working with a mix of White House stakeholders, I was tasked with leading a weekly coordination meeting. I decided to add two minutes of mindfulness before diving into a packed agenda. Afterward, my boss said, with an edge, “You need to learn how to read a room.”
It wasn’t cruel. I suspect she was worried about the reaction of her own boss, who was also in that meeting. But it made me feel small, that my uniqueness was not unwelcome, but problematic.
Relational Leadership
In many organizations, we equate “good management” with the messy work of giving feedback. And to be sure, managers need to help their team understand context and expectations.
But how that feedback is given matters. Relational leadership, as Brené Brown explores in Strong Ground, is about leading from a place of trust, empathy, and genuine care. This means giving feedback in a way that shows people they still matter, even if something is awry.
In my meeting example, my boss might have said instead: “I appreciate your desire to bring a bit of slowness and connection into our meetings; that’s a great strength you bring to our team. Let’s think through how to do that in a way that might land better.”
That would have opened a door to coaching, to learning, and to belonging, instead of closing one.
4 New Moves for Relational Leaders
In the isolating world and workplaces of today, belonging is something each of us can help others feel. Here’s how to start:
- From Regret to Repair. No one expects leaders to always get it right. Instead of “I wish I had…,” try, “Let me try again.” Vulnerability and repair build trust faster than pretending it didn’t happen.
- From Recognition to Real Appreciation. Recognition is about output; appreciation notices how it was done. Don’t just say “good job”; tell them why it mattered and their unique contribution to it.
- From Packed Agendas to Built-In Buffers. Choose to make space for connection. If every minute is scripted, there’s no room to hear about a colleague’s new baby, hobby, or wise concern. Getting to know one another is the work.
- From Episodic to Routine. Belonging isn’t something that happens at the off-site or during an icebreaker. It happens in the daily moments when we choose to notice, include, and affirm one another. We can do this with the janitor, the intern, and our bosses.
The Deeper Impact of Belonging
At the end of How to Train Your Dragon (spoiler alert), there is no conquest over the dragons. Instead, Hiccup’s compassion breaks the cycle of fear and violence by partnering with the dragons to fight a common enemy. Recognizing Hiccup’s unique gifts wasn’t just the right thing to do; it transformed his village.
Leadership Essential Reads
That’s the larger message in Strong Ground: When people feel felt and that they belong, they don’t just mold themselves to the culture as it is;they help it evolve into its fuller potential. And in a time of fear and rapid change across government and beyond, that’s the strong ground our workplaces need.
Find more on my Substack, Slow Mindfulness
