970x125
Relationships form through memories filled with emotion and images. When a relationship ends, we might wonder why our thoughts seem cloudy. Loss and grief, from many circumstances, can cause cognitive disruptions such as fuzzy thinking, intrusive images, repetitive thoughts, or problems with attention and memory (McNally, 2003; Peace & Porter, 2004). These cognitive issues may result from an interaction between thinking and emotion that temporarily affects concentration (O’Connor & McConnell, 2018). During the first weeks or months of mourning a relationship, mental confusion can appear as distractibility, forgetfulness, and a lack of clarity or focus (Shuchter & Zisook, 1993).
Thoughts often sustain a relationship in our minds, even when doing so seems irrational or misguided. Reminiscing about joyful or exciting moments shared with someone no longer in our lives can be bittersweet. It can be difficult and sometimes painful. Even those who consider themselves emotionally strong or resilient can feel helpless due to the cumulative effects of grief on their mental and emotional health (Shuchter & Zisook, 1993).
Memory Templates
Based on our past experiences, we expect some level of predictability in many areas of our lives. By creating scripts—memory templates—our memory system uses redundancies to shape our expectations about events (Laney, 2013; Tomkins, 1995). The scripts that once provided information about a current situation may no longer be relevant in loss-related circumstances, even if our brain still tries to use them. Difficult situations occur when memory templates associated with positive feelings can’t be recreated because the person involved is no longer present. The loss of a loved one leaves us in limbo: we have a collection of positive experiences that we can’t revisit now or in the future. We might know our loved one is now unreachable, but our memory system needs time to adjust to this new reality.
Losing Ourselves
Relationships act as a guiding force through life’s changes. When we face a significant loss, we may lose ourselves, questioning our path, identity, and sense of self. How we grieve the loss of a relationship depends more on how we experience and process our memories than on their accuracy (Bonanno, 2010). We do not mourn the facts or precise details of our relationship with someone no longer in our lives; instead, our grief focuses on what we remember about the bonds we shared with them (Bonanno, 2010).
In the initial weeks and sometimes months after losing a loved one, people often experience feelings of “losing something” or find themselves searching for something they believe is lost. They may “lose” important items like car keys or documents, only to find them later in plain sight or enter a room, look for something, and then forget what they were searching for. Sometimes, they “see” something without realizing they are looking for it—for example, spotting their lost loved one in a car on the road, walking in the distance, or in a dream. When a relationship ends, they might stalk a lost love on social media, seeking updates about the person’s current life.
Separation Distress and Shame
The emotionally motivating responses essential for maintaining a relationship, such as staying in close touch, continue even when the loved one is gone (Archer, 1999). However, now we might experience the desire to reconnect, along with any hopelessness about its futility, as grief. Separation distress and shame associated with grief can become overwhelming simply because they push us to reconnect or repair a broken bond when it is not possible or feasible. Therefore, during grief, we need to reorganize mentally, dealing with the absence of the emotional bond. Although replacing someone with whom we have a deep emotional attachment is difficult—and sometimes impossible—some people find a solution through the use of imagery.
Imagery
“We live on images,” wrote Robert Lifton (1979, p. 3). Imagery is a cognitive process that allows humans to create visual, sensory, or imaginative scenes that only exist in memory (McBride & Cutting, 2016). These images can have sensory qualities related to sight, hearing, taste, smell, touch, and movement (Hackmann, 1998; Kosslyn, 1994). However, when we experience loss, many of our imagined thoughts may seem irrational. Cognitive and emotional processes that usually promote stability might appear to malfunction. A strong stress response to loss can affect memory by shifting our attention and disrupting what is encoded and what becomes accessible for later recall (Laney, 2013). The thoughts connected to our emotional reactions to loss may lead to intrusive images, ruminations, or concentration problems that seem illogical. Therefore, when we lose someone or something we love, we might be unable to use thought to understand what we feel.
Defensive Strategies
Self-care can sometimes include defensive strategies, and in this way, avoidance and distraction play a role in grieving. If avoidance and distraction help us get through the initial period after a loss—such as doing something positive that shifts our attention away from our feelings—these are healthy and adaptive coping mechanisms. Instead of resisting a defensive or coping response (as if it indicates something is wrong with us), we might find it helpful to recognize what we can handle at a given moment. In this way, resilience involves mindfully observing our emotional reactions and caring for our emotional well-being. After all, psychological defenses exist for a reason: sometimes we need them.
Still, irrational thoughts can suddenly occur, like hearing the sound of a deceased loved one coming up the stairs, mistaking a stranger in the distance for a lost love, or assuming a continued connection with someone based on a feather found on the sidewalk. The logic behind loss-related responses can be as fascinating as the stories of those who experience them.
